Every Thursday after gaming* with my friends we head to The Iguana Cantina around the corner from the game store we play at for free tacos.** This works out nicely, just buy a drink after 10:00 and you can go up to the taco buffet and make as many free tacos that you can handle (keep the free part in mind).
So last night my friend Frod*** was sitting on my left when I had the sudden urge to reach over with my right hand, slap the taco from his hand as he was raising it to his mouth while yelling “TACOHAMMER”. The taco slapped back down on the plate it came from and bounced onto the table. All 12 of us laughed hysterically, all except Frod that is. He got up and made himself another free taco then sat back down far down the table from me. Then I realized he was actually pissed. What’s the problem, the tacos are free, I didn’t get any one him, nobody was hurt and we all had a good laugh. After explaining it to him like that he reluctantly started laughing at and appreciating the situation.
So to sum up I have a new nickname: TACOHAMMER!
*We play Warhammer 40K, an incredibly geeks venture where we buy gaming models, and paint them, as well as creating terrain and tabletops to play on.
** This is the totally Iranian version of Buddy Night
***His name’s not really “Frod” but we do have to protect the innocent after all.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Porch cookies
Monday morning I was woken up by the sound of my phone ringing at 8:00 AM. Who would call me at 8:00 AM? My mother that’s who. She called to tell me that she just stopped by to drop off some Christmas cookies she’d made (she works 2 blocks from my place) but my porch door was locked and she had to get going so she left them on the stairs. I thought this was odd for a few reasons:
1) My porch door wasn’t locked.
2) Why not call me from the porch and wait until I came out?
3) Why leave them on the front stairs? Why not the back porch especially since she was also leaving cards for my cousins that I’ll see this weekend with money or gift certificates or something inside?
The end result is that I love my mother and it doesn’t matter what she does, or when she wakes me up as long as she keeps making be home made cookies.
1) My porch door wasn’t locked.
2) Why not call me from the porch and wait until I came out?
3) Why leave them on the front stairs? Why not the back porch especially since she was also leaving cards for my cousins that I’ll see this weekend with money or gift certificates or something inside?
The end result is that I love my mother and it doesn’t matter what she does, or when she wakes me up as long as she keeps making be home made cookies.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Like it or lump it ya pansy!
It’s that time of year again folks. No I’m not talking about the holidays. I’m talking about “Winter Panic” time. In Eastern MA we’ve gotten a touch of snow already and of course people had to “re-learn” how to drive in the snow because 8 months is a long time to remember simple lessons like the decreased coefficient of friction that rubber has when coupled with ice and snow (it’s like a pile of retards*).
So yesterday some genius weather reporter use the term Nor’Easter when explaining the possibly severity of the snow expected in our area tomorrow and Saturday. Of course every time it snows that term gets tossed around and means less each time. Now what this means is that much of the population here will of course panic and buy everything in the grocery store because god forbid you have to leave the house when there’s snow on the ground. This self same pile of retards will complain about the snowy conditions which are all but guaranteed in this area of the country. WTF? It’s New England! If you don’t like it then leave because it will happen EVERY DAMN YEAR and I’m sick of hearing your bitching. Yeah it’s cold, yeah it’s snowing, yeah driving condition change. That’s what it means to live in New England in the winter. Please rid me of your presence and move to Florida, or possibly swallow a shotgun.
**
*Gotta give credit to the Asian Cowgirl for my new favorite saying.
**This whole entry was an excuse to use this image I found.
So yesterday some genius weather reporter use the term Nor’Easter when explaining the possibly severity of the snow expected in our area tomorrow and Saturday. Of course every time it snows that term gets tossed around and means less each time. Now what this means is that much of the population here will of course panic and buy everything in the grocery store because god forbid you have to leave the house when there’s snow on the ground. This self same pile of retards will complain about the snowy conditions which are all but guaranteed in this area of the country. WTF? It’s New England! If you don’t like it then leave because it will happen EVERY DAMN YEAR and I’m sick of hearing your bitching. Yeah it’s cold, yeah it’s snowing, yeah driving condition change. That’s what it means to live in New England in the winter. Please rid me of your presence and move to Florida, or possibly swallow a shotgun.
**
*Gotta give credit to the Asian Cowgirl for my new favorite saying.
**This whole entry was an excuse to use this image I found.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Cookies made better through the power of bacon
There's nothing I could add to make this better so please just look at the link.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Sin of pride
Driving home last night I noticed something on the car in front of me at the red light. It was a family crest…proudly displayed…on a Dodge Neon. Are you kidding me? What was the thinking behind this? Did you use all the other heraldry decals on the castle and suit of armor already and had one left over so you figured “what the hay”? I’m sure your ancestors are very proud of your accomplishments, and are thrilled to see how the bloodline has been maintained to such high standards.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Power scales
We've all heard the saying "The pen is mightier than the sword”. However, I’d like to submit that for the very same reasons the computer is mightier than the pen (and faster too). Think how powerful you’d be if you had a computer and most other people only had a pen.
Note to self: sell extremely not-powerful sword at home and buy a second computer. Be mightier.
Note to self: sell extremely not-powerful sword at home and buy a second computer. Be mightier.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Top 10 movie quotes that would have been better with Chupacabra involvement
1) Luke, I am your chupacabra.
2) You shall not pass (chupacabra)
3) It’s like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in goat entrails.
4) In all the chupacabras in all the world why’d she have to come into mine?
5) YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE CHUPACABRA!
6) Where does he get those wonderful chupacabras?
7) Conan what is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the chupacabras.
8) SHOW ME THE CHUPACABRA!
9) I may not be a smart man, but I know what chupacabra is.
10) Frankly my chupacabra I don’t give a damn.
2) You shall not pass (chupacabra)
3) It’s like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in goat entrails.
4) In all the chupacabras in all the world why’d she have to come into mine?
5) YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE CHUPACABRA!
6) Where does he get those wonderful chupacabras?
7) Conan what is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the chupacabras.
8) SHOW ME THE CHUPACABRA!
9) I may not be a smart man, but I know what chupacabra is.
10) Frankly my chupacabra I don’t give a damn.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Ok so what gives people? I work in a professional environment with seemingly well mannered adults. We’re also privileged enough to have private bathrooms in our department, which is very nice. So why is it that in this professional environment with well mannered adults I can’t take a peaceful crap without someone trying the door handle? Dude, KNOCK!
“Well Bacon, you should lock the door”. Yeah thanks chief, I do. That doesn’t change the fact that during a nice sit (that’s typed correctly) it’s totally unnerving to hear someone trying the door handle. It totally throws me out of my groove. Seriously who raised these people?
“Well Bacon, you should lock the door”. Yeah thanks chief, I do. That doesn’t change the fact that during a nice sit (that’s typed correctly) it’s totally unnerving to hear someone trying the door handle. It totally throws me out of my groove. Seriously who raised these people?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Pie will save the day
So I decided to fly the day before Thanksgiving. The busiest travel day of the year. I’d never done this before but was prepared for anything due to the horror stories that get passed around. My flight was at 11:10AM so I arrived at Logan at about 8:30. You always have to plan for any zany delays just when getting to Logan. After having a nightmare time in July (not the busiest travel day of the year either) I decided to allow for at least an hour for baggage check in, and at least an hour for security*. So after arriving at the terminal drop of point at 8:30 I headed in to face my doom. A doom that consisted of being at my gate in 15 minutes. WTF?
OK here’s what I’ve since come up with; terrorists have been planting stories using the US media to instill fear in a fiendish plot to scare us from traveling during the Thanksgiving holiday. The reasons for this are twofold; 1) They’re dicks and just like being mean, and 2) if we can’t travel then that’s less people at planned destinations to consume pumpkin pie. THAT’S RIGHT! They’re after my pumpkin pie. The less people there are to eat it the more they think will be left for them. And let me tell you right now, the last place you want to be, you slimy piece of shit, is between me and pumpkin pie.
But I did travel, and I did get pumpkin pie** so screw you terrorists. You have not won this day/pie! And I say to all my fellow Americans, and to a lesser extent my Canadian half brothers and sisters, if we do not eat pie then the terrorists have already won.
*this would go faster if the retards in front of me would take of their fucking shoes before getting up to the conveyor belt to put them in the tray. RETARDS!
**pumpkin chiffon pie actually. Yeah it sounds gay but was damn good.
OK here’s what I’ve since come up with; terrorists have been planting stories using the US media to instill fear in a fiendish plot to scare us from traveling during the Thanksgiving holiday. The reasons for this are twofold; 1) They’re dicks and just like being mean, and 2) if we can’t travel then that’s less people at planned destinations to consume pumpkin pie. THAT’S RIGHT! They’re after my pumpkin pie. The less people there are to eat it the more they think will be left for them. And let me tell you right now, the last place you want to be, you slimy piece of shit, is between me and pumpkin pie.
But I did travel, and I did get pumpkin pie** so screw you terrorists. You have not won this day/pie! And I say to all my fellow Americans, and to a lesser extent my Canadian half brothers and sisters, if we do not eat pie then the terrorists have already won.
*this would go faster if the retards in front of me would take of their fucking shoes before getting up to the conveyor belt to put them in the tray. RETARDS!
**pumpkin chiffon pie actually. Yeah it sounds gay but was damn good.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Bigs Eats
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I'm not around this week. I took a near last minute flight to Texas to surprise The Asian Cowgirl for Turkey Day and meet her family. having a blast. Talk to you all soon.
-Bacon Wrapped Turkey
-Bacon Wrapped Turkey
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Powder to the people
Oh My God! OH MY GOD!!! Ok heart slow down…slow down… *phew* So on the drive in today a few random flakes were falling and it gave me that calm and serene feeling that the first snow fall of each year does. I was driving to work and was quite pleased, though I knew it was too warm to accumulate and that it probably wouldn’t pick up in intensity, but it was just nice to see a few flakes.
Upon getting to work I looked out the window and it was full on snowing. Dreams of a fun ride home* and parking lot zaniness at night were zipping through my head. It started sticking. Cars and grass were first. Then slowly the parking lot at work started getting slightly covered. Will this be a night to remember? I hope the snow holds out.
*You should know that I love winter, and the snow. As someone that hasn’t been able to snowboard for 5 years due to a knee surgery I’m ecstatic to get out there again this year after getting the OK from my doctor. I also participate in ice racing with the local BMW club (www.bmwcca.org). They plow a rally course on top of Newfound Lake in New Hampshire. It usually starts late January when the lake is frozen enough. So we basically drive our cars one at a time on this twisty frozen race course and it’s so much fun. Especially now that I have my new car I can’t wait to get out there.
Upon getting to work I looked out the window and it was full on snowing. Dreams of a fun ride home* and parking lot zaniness at night were zipping through my head. It started sticking. Cars and grass were first. Then slowly the parking lot at work started getting slightly covered. Will this be a night to remember? I hope the snow holds out.
*You should know that I love winter, and the snow. As someone that hasn’t been able to snowboard for 5 years due to a knee surgery I’m ecstatic to get out there again this year after getting the OK from my doctor. I also participate in ice racing with the local BMW club (www.bmwcca.org). They plow a rally course on top of Newfound Lake in New Hampshire. It usually starts late January when the lake is frozen enough. So we basically drive our cars one at a time on this twisty frozen race course and it’s so much fun. Especially now that I have my new car I can’t wait to get out there.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Volumizing (not hair)
So at work I sit near someone that eats with their mouth open. I cannot stand to hear people eat. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. I can hear every chew…each finger lick…and every lip smack. It’s maddening!
I turned the ol’ iPod up to 25% volume to drown it out but to no avail. This was gonna take some serious musicing* to overcome. Bad Brains and 60% volume to the rescue and I can safely enjoy my Hostess Cup Cakes** in peace. *phew*
I should say that the iPod was a gift that I never new I wanted until I had it. Aside from pleasing me on its own it has saved countless lives…from me. I just couldn’t live without it.
*Shut up. It’s a word now.
** Yeah I know they’re not really cup cakes. I hadn’t had them since I was 12 and they were in the front of the row in the vending machine. I decided to take a culinary trip down memory lane. Yup, still tasty.
I turned the ol’ iPod up to 25% volume to drown it out but to no avail. This was gonna take some serious musicing* to overcome. Bad Brains and 60% volume to the rescue and I can safely enjoy my Hostess Cup Cakes** in peace. *phew*
I should say that the iPod was a gift that I never new I wanted until I had it. Aside from pleasing me on its own it has saved countless lives…from me. I just couldn’t live without it.
*Shut up. It’s a word now.
** Yeah I know they’re not really cup cakes. I hadn’t had them since I was 12 and they were in the front of the row in the vending machine. I decided to take a culinary trip down memory lane. Yup, still tasty.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Al Joleson's Donut World
Yes it mus be All Hallow's Eve indeed. For there can be no other explaination as to why the Dunkin Donuts manager today was wearing an afro wig, gold chain with a huge dollar symbol, and black face. I shit you not. I wanted to take a picture but I was too horrified.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm a good person
I was at Dunkies this morning getting coffee on the way to work. I was way late but it's my last day so screw it. Plus I'm a consultant and get paid hourly so they sure wouldn't care. So the line is long and moving slowly and even though I can't officially be "late" to work I was still getting antsy. Then 3 elderly people came through the door; 2 women and 1 man with a WWII veteran hat on. He could barely walk and was helped to the table by the 2 women. 1 of the women then got into line right behind me presumably to order for all 3 of them. When I was waved on to the next register I turned around and said "go ahead ma'am" (and quite please with myself if I do say so) and do you know what she did? She said "You don't want to go down there?" meaning that it was too far for me to walk and that I was somehow giving her a burden instead of a gift. I said "its fine I'm not in a hurry, you can go ahead". She looked at me and said "alright" and shuffled along. That old bitch didn't even say thank you. I almost tripped her on the way by too, but then I remembered that "I'm a good person" and refrained from causing any more hip splinterings in this crazy world we live in.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Several Minutes!
There's this diner in Stow that I went to "several" years ago. I hadn't been back until last week for a "several" reasons; there were better places around, the atmosphere wasn't that great, odd service (not bad just "odd" read on).
So I ordered a bacon egg and cheese sandwich to go at the register. Nothing shocking there, it's me after all and I was in a breakfast food establishment. The server says to me "That will be several minutes" WTF does that even mean? Now when assuring a customer that their food will be ordered and sent to them there are many acceptable phrases such as "That will be right out", "That will be a few minutes", "Have a seat and Sheila will be out to rub your feet while you wait"*, "Nice sideburns dude"** However saying "That will be several minutes" sounds kind of confrontational, and he didn't say it in a confrontational tone, it just a damn odd thing to say to someone in that situation.
So I guess that's what it comes down to, the circumstances. If someone were to say "That will be several minutes" to me in reference to food arriving it could be off putting. Now if a surgeon had said to me "This will be several minutes" before knee surgery I'd be like "Cool man, take your time".
Oh, and the diner is now under new management. I went last weekend for the first time since the "several minutes" episode and there were no odd service instances that caused me to ponder them for years. Though to be fair it hasn't been years since last weekend.
*OK this really isn't an acceptable phrase for letting someone know there food will arrive shortly however if confronted with this option I'd be removing my shoes post haste.
**Alright that one doesn't even make any sense. It came to mind because last night the doorman at Ralph's complimented me on my sideburns and said he almost wanted to let me in without paying the cover because they were so nice. And he'd be right in doing so no doubt, but it made me realize something; women don't compliment me on my sideburns, but I get it from men all the time. Sometimes just random dudes walking down the street will stop me and compliment me on them. I think I've only ever been complimented on them by a woman once (and no, it wasn't my ex-wife that wouldn't count) but she turned out to be kind of a douche so… I suppose the moral of this story is that I can either shave or if I go gay I'll never be alone. Good to know for a backup plan.
So I ordered a bacon egg and cheese sandwich to go at the register. Nothing shocking there, it's me after all and I was in a breakfast food establishment. The server says to me "That will be several minutes" WTF does that even mean? Now when assuring a customer that their food will be ordered and sent to them there are many acceptable phrases such as "That will be right out", "That will be a few minutes", "Have a seat and Sheila will be out to rub your feet while you wait"*, "Nice sideburns dude"** However saying "That will be several minutes" sounds kind of confrontational, and he didn't say it in a confrontational tone, it just a damn odd thing to say to someone in that situation.
So I guess that's what it comes down to, the circumstances. If someone were to say "That will be several minutes" to me in reference to food arriving it could be off putting. Now if a surgeon had said to me "This will be several minutes" before knee surgery I'd be like "Cool man, take your time".
Oh, and the diner is now under new management. I went last weekend for the first time since the "several minutes" episode and there were no odd service instances that caused me to ponder them for years. Though to be fair it hasn't been years since last weekend.
*OK this really isn't an acceptable phrase for letting someone know there food will arrive shortly however if confronted with this option I'd be removing my shoes post haste.
**Alright that one doesn't even make any sense. It came to mind because last night the doorman at Ralph's complimented me on my sideburns and said he almost wanted to let me in without paying the cover because they were so nice. And he'd be right in doing so no doubt, but it made me realize something; women don't compliment me on my sideburns, but I get it from men all the time. Sometimes just random dudes walking down the street will stop me and compliment me on them. I think I've only ever been complimented on them by a woman once (and no, it wasn't my ex-wife that wouldn't count) but she turned out to be kind of a douche so… I suppose the moral of this story is that I can either shave or if I go gay I'll never be alone. Good to know for a backup plan.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
On honesty and the internet
On honesty and the internet
So I decided to join an online dating site because the other women I were meeting were..uh...well most of you know how those ended. Let's just say that I want to find someone honest, and where there's something more than just a base attraction, and a whole lot less crazy. A whole damn lot less crazy! It stands to reason that by matching up certain likes, and dislikes I could eliminate some potential bad matches right?
So my first contact from this dating site just came through at work in the form of an IM. I'll post it below, but the first few lines are cut off.
[12:53] klooking4u2: ok
[12:54] my screen name: so call me crazy, but who are you?
[12:54] klooking4u2: i am cathy
[12:54] my screen name: nice to meet you Cathy, I'm Mason
[12:55] klooking4u2: nice to meet you also
[12:55] my screen name: and would I be correct in assuming that this contact was initiated through my yahoo profile?
[12:56] my screen name: BTW if I don't respond I may have jumped into a meeting
[12:56] klooking4u2: Nope yahoo personals
[12:56] my screen name: right, that's what i meant
[12:56] klooking4u2: k
[12:57] my screen name: and now you have me at a disadvantage; you know who I am and I'm speaking to a blank screen ;-)
[12:57] klooking4u2: same here
Ok this is where it starts to seem odd. She either doesn't understand what I mean, or she's reluctant to send me her profile.
[12:57] my screen name: so, are you burning company time as well?
[12:58] klooking4u2: lol nope personal time
[12:59] my screen name: ah. i'm a consultant who is currently without a client so I'm what they call "on the bench"
[12:59] klooking4u2: lol
[12:59] klooking4u2: what is your realjob
[12:59] my screen name: doing random tasks, and apparently chatting online
;-)
[13:00] klooking4u2: ok
[13:00] my screen name: when i'm not chatting on IM? I'm a software quality assurance engineer or manager depending on the day
[13:00] klooking4u2: ok
[13:00] my screen name: sometimes a project manager too if the need arises
[13:00] my screen name: how about yourself?
[13:01] klooking4u2: i sell arts and leathers
[13:01] my screen name: interesting
[13:01] my screen name: is this a gallery thing, or retail/wholesale?
[13:02] klooking4u2: what is your name in full and where do youlive . galery i have a website for this also
WTF? That's in my profile. So here's where I knew something screwy was definitely up.
[13:02] my screen name: , and I recently moved back to Watertown
[13:02] my screen name: are you also an artist?
[13:02] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine what state are you at present mason ?
[13:03] my screen name: in MA, or if that's not what you were asking then "contentment"
Again it's in my profile but i wanted to see where this went.
[13:03] klooking4u2: lol
[13:04] my screen name: and yourself?
[13:04] klooking4u2: i live in Ny city
[13:04] my screen name: kind of a hike
[13:05] my screen name: how did you end up finding my profile?
[13:05] klooking4u2: www.john-carwithen.com
[13:05] klooking4u2: that is my website check it the only this is that it was created inmy ex name
[13:07] my screen name: you're not just trying to drum up arts sales are you?
So at this point I actually thought she was just trying to sell me paintings.
[13:08] klooking4u2: i make arts and leathers that is what i sell i buy them from Uk and sell them in the states
[13:08] klooking4u2: iam now in Uk for 3weeks purchase time for me but i will be back in 3 weeks
[13:09] my screen name: back in NY?
[13:09] klooking4u2: yes
[13:09] klooking4u2: i will be back in Ny
[13:09] klooking4u2: do you live in Ny before moving back to MA
[13:09] my screen name: nope, I only visit there about twice a year. i have friends in brooklyn
[13:10] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine
Well then, I'm glad you approve.
[13:10] klooking4u2: are you looking for a lady that can relocate to youafter some time
[13:10] my screen name: hmmm that's a lot to ask of a person
read: WTF?
[13:11] klooking4u2: well it is but i believe we are not all getting younger we need to make a family
[13:11] my screen name: ha
[13:11] my screen name: this is true
[13:11] klooking4u2: i am not just here for fun i want the best out of joinng
[13:12] klooking4u2: i wish i can meet a man as soon as i get back from Uk
[13:13] my screen name: Cathy, i'm afraid I'm just not interested in/cut out for a long distance relationship
[13:14] klooking4u2: idont understand explain better to me
[13:14] my screen name: well you live in NY, and I'm a 4 hour drive away
[13:14] my screen name: when would we see each other?
[13:15] klooking4u2: this is what i plan i want to meetyou face to face first and if thngs work out then we can arrange a relocation .... i work from home so a relocation is vey easy for me
[13:16] my screen name: that's a bit much. I'd feel responsible if you relocated and it didn't work out. i just got out of a 14 year relationship and this seems a bit too heavy for me at this time
So at this point I wasn't sure if it was a mail order bride/green card scam, or just some one really that messed up so I tried to be polite.
[13:17] klooking4u2: i undrstand well lets keepchatting and see where this brings us
[13:19] my screen name: I'm not sure you do understand. I'm not interested in anything long distance or that involved off the bat
[13:19] klooking4u2: i undrstand
[13:19] klooking4u2: ok
[13:20] klooking4u2: have anice day
[13:20] my screen name: you too
[13:20] my screen name: good luck with your green card
..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
OK so just a few minutes after that another one comes in:
[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online
[13:29] deklicks:
[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online
[13:34] deklicks:
[13:40] my screen name: dong
[13:41] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well
[13:41] my screen name: yes, all is well
[13:41] my screen name: and yourself?
[13:41] deklicks: Ok what is your name
[13:41] my screen name: that depends
[13:42] deklicks: Am lola by name 31 years and you
[13:44] my screen name: I mean it depends on where you're contacting me from
[13:45] deklicks:
[13:45] deklicks: Ok am from south carolina us and you
[13:45] my screen name: MA
[13:45] my screen name: you know, like it say in my profile?!?!
[13:46] my screen name: just so you know i just IMd with another mail order bride and I'm not interested
[13:47] my screen name: but good luck finding your sucker
[13:47] deklicks: what do you mean dont understand
[13:47] my screen name: I know
[13:47] my screen name: that's what makes this funny for me
[13:48] deklicks: what is sucker
[13:48] my screen name: someone that gets tricked
[13:48] deklicks: Ok do you mean tricked
[13:49] my screen name: yup
[13:50] deklicks: Ok
[13:50] deklicks: well dont know anything about that just new on here
[13:50] deklicks: will like you to tell me more about that
[13:51] my screen name: you know I'm not hearing much of a S. Carolina accent there
[13:51] my screen name: if I had to guess I'd say more eastern european. Perhaps Russian?
[13:52] deklicks: Yes but will liike you to tell me more about the internet cos i was just introduced to this internet stuff by a friend of mine last two weeks
[13:52] my screen name: oh you want to know about the internet?
[13:52] deklicks: what do you mean
[13:53] deklicks: Yes am new on this internet stuff what you just telling me now is strange
[13:53] my screen name: oh I see
[13:53] my screen name: ok let me help you out there
[13:54] my screen name: you see, the internet is a wonderful tool for communication
[13:54] deklicks: Ok
[13:54] my screen name: sometimes to find goods or services, soemtimes to find people
[13:54] deklicks: Tell me more
[13:54] my screen name: and sometimes bad people use it to prey on suckers
[13:55] deklicks: Ok that bad
[13:55] my screen name: they contact people in the guise of a friend or a potential love match. However (drum roll) sometimes these people aren't truthful
[13:55] my screen name: and these untruthful people are looking to marry someone to obtain a green card to gain citizenship in this country
[13:56] deklicks: Ok mdo you mean that oh its bad
[13:56] deklicks: Ok really
[13:56] my screen name: like for instance someone claiming to be in S Carolina looking to meet someone in Boston. You know, that's like a 12 hour drive right? That's kind of a date killer
[13:56] my screen name: do they have a word for sarcasm in Russian?
[13:57] deklicks: Oh am not from russia
[13:57] deklicks: ok
[13:57] my screen name: oh my mistake, where are you from?
[13:57] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures
[13:58] deklicks: ok
[13:58] my screen name: so here's the thing...
[13:58] deklicks:
[13:58] my screen name: I can't tell if you're tenacious, or if you simply don't undertsand that this is not working on me?
[13:58] deklicks: Ok
[13:59] deklicks: but do you mean the internet is dangerous
[13:59] my screen name: only for ignorant people and the easily fooled
[13:59] deklicks: Am from south carolina in usa
[13:59] deklicks: ok
[13:59] my screen name: and that's where you were born and raised?
[13:59] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures
[14:00] deklicks: Yes
[14:00] my screen name: is there a large russian population in SC?
[14:00] deklicks:
[14:00] my screen name: dong
[14:01] deklicks: Dont know
[14:01] my screen name: what's the capitol of SC?
[14:01] my screen name: I've never been there
[14:04] deklicks: where i am is Lyon
[14:05] my screen name: Lyon is the state capitol?
[14:07] deklicks: Yes
[14:07] my screen name: damn
[14:08] my screen name: you'd think there would have been a news story or something to let us way up here in the Northe east know about that
[14:08] deklicks: where are you from tell me the truth
[14:08] my screen name: that's ironic
[14:08] my screen name: but my location is in my personals ad
[14:09] deklicks: Oh well what are you up to huere
[14:09] deklicks: i mean what are you looking for on internet
[14:10] deklicks:
[14:10] my screen name: an honest woman that lives less than a 4 hour drive from me. know any?
[14:11] deklicks: Well that nice will you be online in 4 hours time so we can talk
[14:12] my screen name: you type " a lot. is that some kind of russian slang?
[14:12] deklicks: be on then will talk to you in 4 hours time have to run now cos someone is on the door will meet you in 4 hours time have
[14:12] my screen name: ok good luck with your green card
[14:12] my screen name: hope your sucker hunt goes well
[14:12] deklicks: will meet you in 4 gours time
[14:12] my screen name: you probably won't
[14:12] deklicks: talk to you then
[14:13] my screen name: I doubt it
And that ladies and gentlemen is my first experience with online dating.
So I decided to join an online dating site because the other women I were meeting were..uh...well most of you know how those ended. Let's just say that I want to find someone honest, and where there's something more than just a base attraction, and a whole lot less crazy. A whole damn lot less crazy! It stands to reason that by matching up certain likes, and dislikes I could eliminate some potential bad matches right?
So my first contact from this dating site just came through at work in the form of an IM. I'll post it below, but the first few lines are cut off.
[12:53] klooking4u2: ok
[12:54] my screen name: so call me crazy, but who are you?
[12:54] klooking4u2: i am cathy
[12:54] my screen name: nice to meet you Cathy, I'm Mason
[12:55] klooking4u2: nice to meet you also
[12:55] my screen name: and would I be correct in assuming that this contact was initiated through my yahoo profile?
[12:56] my screen name: BTW if I don't respond I may have jumped into a meeting
[12:56] klooking4u2: Nope yahoo personals
[12:56] my screen name: right, that's what i meant
[12:56] klooking4u2: k
[12:57] my screen name: and now you have me at a disadvantage; you know who I am and I'm speaking to a blank screen ;-)
[12:57] klooking4u2: same here
Ok this is where it starts to seem odd. She either doesn't understand what I mean, or she's reluctant to send me her profile.
[12:57] my screen name: so, are you burning company time as well?
[12:58] klooking4u2: lol nope personal time
[12:59] my screen name: ah. i'm a consultant who is currently without a client so I'm what they call "on the bench"
[12:59] klooking4u2: lol
[12:59] klooking4u2: what is your realjob
[12:59] my screen name: doing random tasks, and apparently chatting online
;-)
[13:00] klooking4u2: ok
[13:00] my screen name: when i'm not chatting on IM? I'm a software quality assurance engineer or manager depending on the day
[13:00] klooking4u2: ok
[13:00] my screen name: sometimes a project manager too if the need arises
[13:00] my screen name: how about yourself?
[13:01] klooking4u2: i sell arts and leathers
[13:01] my screen name: interesting
[13:01] my screen name: is this a gallery thing, or retail/wholesale?
[13:02] klooking4u2: what is your name in full and where do youlive . galery i have a website for this also
WTF? That's in my profile. So here's where I knew something screwy was definitely up.
[13:02] my screen name: , and I recently moved back to Watertown
[13:02] my screen name: are you also an artist?
[13:02] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine what state are you at present mason ?
[13:03] my screen name: in MA, or if that's not what you were asking then "contentment"
Again it's in my profile but i wanted to see where this went.
[13:03] klooking4u2: lol
[13:04] my screen name: and yourself?
[13:04] klooking4u2: i live in Ny city
[13:04] my screen name: kind of a hike
[13:05] my screen name: how did you end up finding my profile?
[13:05] klooking4u2: www.john-carwithen.com
[13:05] klooking4u2: that is my website check it the only this is that it was created inmy ex name
[13:07] my screen name: you're not just trying to drum up arts sales are you?
So at this point I actually thought she was just trying to sell me paintings.
[13:08] klooking4u2: i make arts and leathers that is what i sell i buy them from Uk and sell them in the states
[13:08] klooking4u2: iam now in Uk for 3weeks purchase time for me but i will be back in 3 weeks
[13:09] my screen name: back in NY?
[13:09] klooking4u2: yes
[13:09] klooking4u2: i will be back in Ny
[13:09] klooking4u2: do you live in Ny before moving back to MA
[13:09] my screen name: nope, I only visit there about twice a year. i have friends in brooklyn
[13:10] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine
Well then, I'm glad you approve.
[13:10] klooking4u2: are you looking for a lady that can relocate to youafter some time
[13:10] my screen name: hmmm that's a lot to ask of a person
read: WTF?
[13:11] klooking4u2: well it is but i believe we are not all getting younger we need to make a family
[13:11] my screen name: ha
[13:11] my screen name: this is true
[13:11] klooking4u2: i am not just here for fun i want the best out of joinng
[13:12] klooking4u2: i wish i can meet a man as soon as i get back from Uk
[13:13] my screen name: Cathy, i'm afraid I'm just not interested in/cut out for a long distance relationship
[13:14] klooking4u2: idont understand explain better to me
[13:14] my screen name: well you live in NY, and I'm a 4 hour drive away
[13:14] my screen name: when would we see each other?
[13:15] klooking4u2: this is what i plan i want to meetyou face to face first and if thngs work out then we can arrange a relocation .... i work from home so a relocation is vey easy for me
[13:16] my screen name: that's a bit much. I'd feel responsible if you relocated and it didn't work out. i just got out of a 14 year relationship and this seems a bit too heavy for me at this time
So at this point I wasn't sure if it was a mail order bride/green card scam, or just some one really that messed up so I tried to be polite.
[13:17] klooking4u2: i undrstand well lets keepchatting and see where this brings us
[13:19] my screen name: I'm not sure you do understand. I'm not interested in anything long distance or that involved off the bat
[13:19] klooking4u2: i undrstand
[13:19] klooking4u2: ok
[13:20] klooking4u2: have anice day
[13:20] my screen name: you too
[13:20] my screen name: good luck with your green card
..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
OK so just a few minutes after that another one comes in:
[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online
[13:29] deklicks:
[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online
[13:34] deklicks:
[13:40] my screen name: dong
[13:41] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well
[13:41] my screen name: yes, all is well
[13:41] my screen name: and yourself?
[13:41] deklicks: Ok what is your name
[13:41] my screen name: that depends
[13:42] deklicks: Am lola by name 31 years and you
[13:44] my screen name: I mean it depends on where you're contacting me from
[13:45] deklicks:
[13:45] deklicks: Ok am from south carolina us and you
[13:45] my screen name: MA
[13:45] my screen name: you know, like it say in my profile?!?!
[13:46] my screen name: just so you know i just IMd with another mail order bride and I'm not interested
[13:47] my screen name: but good luck finding your sucker
[13:47] deklicks: what do you mean dont understand
[13:47] my screen name: I know
[13:47] my screen name: that's what makes this funny for me
[13:48] deklicks: what is sucker
[13:48] my screen name: someone that gets tricked
[13:48] deklicks: Ok do you mean tricked
[13:49] my screen name: yup
[13:50] deklicks: Ok
[13:50] deklicks: well dont know anything about that just new on here
[13:50] deklicks: will like you to tell me more about that
[13:51] my screen name: you know I'm not hearing much of a S. Carolina accent there
[13:51] my screen name: if I had to guess I'd say more eastern european. Perhaps Russian?
[13:52] deklicks: Yes but will liike you to tell me more about the internet cos i was just introduced to this internet stuff by a friend of mine last two weeks
[13:52] my screen name: oh you want to know about the internet?
[13:52] deklicks: what do you mean
[13:53] deklicks: Yes am new on this internet stuff what you just telling me now is strange
[13:53] my screen name: oh I see
[13:53] my screen name: ok let me help you out there
[13:54] my screen name: you see, the internet is a wonderful tool for communication
[13:54] deklicks: Ok
[13:54] my screen name: sometimes to find goods or services, soemtimes to find people
[13:54] deklicks: Tell me more
[13:54] my screen name: and sometimes bad people use it to prey on suckers
[13:55] deklicks: Ok that bad
[13:55] my screen name: they contact people in the guise of a friend or a potential love match. However (drum roll) sometimes these people aren't truthful
[13:55] my screen name: and these untruthful people are looking to marry someone to obtain a green card to gain citizenship in this country
[13:56] deklicks: Ok mdo you mean that oh its bad
[13:56] deklicks: Ok really
[13:56] my screen name: like for instance someone claiming to be in S Carolina looking to meet someone in Boston. You know, that's like a 12 hour drive right? That's kind of a date killer
[13:56] my screen name: do they have a word for sarcasm in Russian?
[13:57] deklicks: Oh am not from russia
[13:57] deklicks: ok
[13:57] my screen name: oh my mistake, where are you from?
[13:57] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures
[13:58] deklicks: ok
[13:58] my screen name: so here's the thing...
[13:58] deklicks:
[13:58] my screen name: I can't tell if you're tenacious, or if you simply don't undertsand that this is not working on me?
[13:58] deklicks: Ok
[13:59] deklicks: but do you mean the internet is dangerous
[13:59] my screen name: only for ignorant people and the easily fooled
[13:59] deklicks: Am from south carolina in usa
[13:59] deklicks: ok
[13:59] my screen name: and that's where you were born and raised?
[13:59] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures
[14:00] deklicks: Yes
[14:00] my screen name: is there a large russian population in SC?
[14:00] deklicks:
[14:00] my screen name: dong
[14:01] deklicks: Dont know
[14:01] my screen name: what's the capitol of SC?
[14:01] my screen name: I've never been there
[14:04] deklicks: where i am is Lyon
[14:05] my screen name: Lyon is the state capitol?
[14:07] deklicks: Yes
[14:07] my screen name: damn
[14:08] my screen name: you'd think there would have been a news story or something to let us way up here in the Northe east know about that
[14:08] deklicks: where are you from tell me the truth
[14:08] my screen name: that's ironic
[14:08] my screen name: but my location is in my personals ad
[14:09] deklicks: Oh well what are you up to huere
[14:09] deklicks: i mean what are you looking for on internet
[14:10] deklicks:
[14:10] my screen name: an honest woman that lives less than a 4 hour drive from me. know any?
[14:11] deklicks: Well that nice will you be online in 4 hours time so we can talk
[14:12] my screen name: you type " a lot. is that some kind of russian slang?
[14:12] deklicks: be on then will talk to you in 4 hours time have to run now cos someone is on the door will meet you in 4 hours time have
[14:12] my screen name: ok good luck with your green card
[14:12] my screen name: hope your sucker hunt goes well
[14:12] deklicks: will meet you in 4 gours time
[14:12] my screen name: you probably won't
[14:12] deklicks: talk to you then
[14:13] my screen name: I doubt it
And that ladies and gentlemen is my first experience with online dating.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Burger King!
Ok I know I've neglected you people and I'm sorry. I've been very busy/distracted and haven't blogged lately. So here's a quick hit for you.
A highway lunch trip to Fred's Franks ended up with a last minute course change to Fuddruckers: Land of Large Tasty Burgers. I've only ever gotten the 2/3 lb burger and at the end I'm always left wanting a little more, but the next time we go I end up shying away from the 1lb big boy because it looks too unwieldy and messy for a work lunch.
So after finishing the 2/3 lb yum-fest today I thought about getting two ½ lb burgers next time. It's the same amount of food and more manageable. Then decided there was no time like the present and went to order a ½ lb. My co-workers thought I was joking, but when I came back to the table they just looked at me with amazement. It should be said that my co-workers are all larger fellows and were astounded at my body's ability to out eat them. For the record I'm 6' and 177lbs i.e. not fat.
So I finished the 2nd one and was rather full and happy at that point, but by the time we got back to the office I was almost hungry. WTF? Off to the kitchen I go to see what I can scrounge up.
A highway lunch trip to Fred's Franks ended up with a last minute course change to Fuddruckers: Land of Large Tasty Burgers. I've only ever gotten the 2/3 lb burger and at the end I'm always left wanting a little more, but the next time we go I end up shying away from the 1lb big boy because it looks too unwieldy and messy for a work lunch.
So after finishing the 2/3 lb yum-fest today I thought about getting two ½ lb burgers next time. It's the same amount of food and more manageable. Then decided there was no time like the present and went to order a ½ lb. My co-workers thought I was joking, but when I came back to the table they just looked at me with amazement. It should be said that my co-workers are all larger fellows and were astounded at my body's ability to out eat them. For the record I'm 6' and 177lbs i.e. not fat.
So I finished the 2nd one and was rather full and happy at that point, but by the time we got back to the office I was almost hungry. WTF? Off to the kitchen I go to see what I can scrounge up.
Friday, October 5, 2007
It's a cruel cruel world
A friend and I were talking last night and he brought up what he thought was "The cruelest thing I've ever heard Mason say". Now he had one choice, and it was a good one to be sure, but I had a different choice. His was chosen because he was present for it and got to see the guy's face (which was beyond priceless), and mine was far more satisfying to me. You be the judge.
Okay so his choice was this doozy. We were at college over summer and Pete, the guy that was ½ in charge of the food service on campus, came walking by practically floating on air with a smile you'd have to hit him in the face to alter. Now you should know that while Pete was actually a nice person in general he earned my ire time and time again for the food service and minimalist effort that came with it and the countless times I'd had to complain or really just get in his face at the school café. So OK, here he comes and we're sitting on a bench on the side of the hall with a bunch of other people while he's just bursting with joy. Literally, I'd never seen anyone so happy in all my life, not before or since. Someone asked why he was so happy and he just blurted out, with the purest joy I'd ever witnessed "We just found out that my wife is pregnant!" People congratulated him and he was soaking it up for about 3 seconds when I blurted out, totally deadpan, "Oh yeah, is it your's?" *record scratching sound* His face immediately turned into a frown, his head went into full on hang dog mode, and he just walked off speechless. Yes, I actually do have the power to crush a man with my words. You have never, and probably will never see a man go from such a high to such a low in that short a time.
Now my friend thought this was "The cruelest thing I've ever heard Mason say" but honestly, while hilarious, it wasn't. It's an old and tired joke that most people usually don't have the nerve to use. However his reaction was what really made this something to remember.
Now my favorite was during a breakup. A rather hurtful breakup with me being the one hurt. This girl had chewed me up and spit me out. She was older than I was and far more experienced too. She knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it and then crushed me. It's mainly for this reason that this story is more satisfying to me. OK, we both stopped by a friend's house that wasn't home but leaves the door unlocked. I went in to see if they were home and she was there. Both of us were shocked to ever see each other again (this was a few days after calling it quits rather unceremoniously), and truthfully I didn't want to have to look at her even one more time. I just stared at her not sure of what to say, or if I should give her the satisfaction of saying anything at all. Then I thought about it; she should suffer for what she did to me. So I said "I think we should talk" and we walked out to the porch, sat down, and chatted.
She began by apologizing to me for what she'd done, but I didn't believe that she was really sorry. I think she was just such a slimy shit that she'd had to apologize so often that she was just used to it. Her faux apology had only served to make me madder, and I was thinking of what to say when the perfect thing hit me. I should also add that her crying (whether real or forced) also just served to fuel my fire. She says things to the tune of how she can't believe that she ruined things, how sorry she was, and what a nice guy I was and that I didn't deserve this (look I'd heard it before being the nice guy that finished last too many times from other crying girls and it didn't work for them either). So I looked straight ahead with her to my left with no eye contact yet. I started with "I know the true meaning of words like love and hate, and how powerful those words really are. People use them too often without understanding that". I then turned and looked her straight in the eye and said "I can honestly say right now that I hate you". She then bursts into, what are definitely now, real tears with mucho sobbing (
Schadenfreude, look it up. Oh the sweet nectar). I paused and soaked in her tears and left her with "I'd kick you in the cunt but you're not even worth ruining the shine on my shoes", got up, and walked away leaving her to cry her soulless eyes out on the porch with the neighbors now watching. I never saw or heard from her again.
And that folks is the cruelest thing Mason has ever said. As a disclaimer I should add that I really don't look to hurt people. I don't, but I do have a gift for it when crossed.
Okay so his choice was this doozy. We were at college over summer and Pete, the guy that was ½ in charge of the food service on campus, came walking by practically floating on air with a smile you'd have to hit him in the face to alter. Now you should know that while Pete was actually a nice person in general he earned my ire time and time again for the food service and minimalist effort that came with it and the countless times I'd had to complain or really just get in his face at the school café. So OK, here he comes and we're sitting on a bench on the side of the hall with a bunch of other people while he's just bursting with joy. Literally, I'd never seen anyone so happy in all my life, not before or since. Someone asked why he was so happy and he just blurted out, with the purest joy I'd ever witnessed "We just found out that my wife is pregnant!" People congratulated him and he was soaking it up for about 3 seconds when I blurted out, totally deadpan, "Oh yeah, is it your's?" *record scratching sound* His face immediately turned into a frown, his head went into full on hang dog mode, and he just walked off speechless. Yes, I actually do have the power to crush a man with my words. You have never, and probably will never see a man go from such a high to such a low in that short a time.
Now my friend thought this was "The cruelest thing I've ever heard Mason say" but honestly, while hilarious, it wasn't. It's an old and tired joke that most people usually don't have the nerve to use. However his reaction was what really made this something to remember.
Now my favorite was during a breakup. A rather hurtful breakup with me being the one hurt. This girl had chewed me up and spit me out. She was older than I was and far more experienced too. She knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it and then crushed me. It's mainly for this reason that this story is more satisfying to me. OK, we both stopped by a friend's house that wasn't home but leaves the door unlocked. I went in to see if they were home and she was there. Both of us were shocked to ever see each other again (this was a few days after calling it quits rather unceremoniously), and truthfully I didn't want to have to look at her even one more time. I just stared at her not sure of what to say, or if I should give her the satisfaction of saying anything at all. Then I thought about it; she should suffer for what she did to me. So I said "I think we should talk" and we walked out to the porch, sat down, and chatted.
She began by apologizing to me for what she'd done, but I didn't believe that she was really sorry. I think she was just such a slimy shit that she'd had to apologize so often that she was just used to it. Her faux apology had only served to make me madder, and I was thinking of what to say when the perfect thing hit me. I should also add that her crying (whether real or forced) also just served to fuel my fire. She says things to the tune of how she can't believe that she ruined things, how sorry she was, and what a nice guy I was and that I didn't deserve this (look I'd heard it before being the nice guy that finished last too many times from other crying girls and it didn't work for them either). So I looked straight ahead with her to my left with no eye contact yet. I started with "I know the true meaning of words like love and hate, and how powerful those words really are. People use them too often without understanding that". I then turned and looked her straight in the eye and said "I can honestly say right now that I hate you". She then bursts into, what are definitely now, real tears with mucho sobbing (
Schadenfreude, look it up. Oh the sweet nectar). I paused and soaked in her tears and left her with "I'd kick you in the cunt but you're not even worth ruining the shine on my shoes", got up, and walked away leaving her to cry her soulless eyes out on the porch with the neighbors now watching. I never saw or heard from her again.
And that folks is the cruelest thing Mason has ever said. As a disclaimer I should add that I really don't look to hurt people. I don't, but I do have a gift for it when crossed.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
I found someone new...
...or rather he found me. WTF?!?!
(Note: from the Best of Bacon Ace Archives)
So I'm out to lunch with a friend on Wednesday (who also has a penis) and while I was driving us back he said to me in a serious tone "I have something to ask you. This is something that (ex-girlfriend's name) used to do for me". OK uncomfortable yet? I was. I mean he recently broke up with her but he couldn't have been that desparate could he? Was it the manscaping? Does that kick me up a few notches on the gaydar? He then takes out a key ring with a house and car key. He asked me to ..."take this for him" and I wasn't quite sure what was coming next but I was certainly intrigued. I was pretty sure at that point I was being asked to "go steady", but I'm newly single and this was just going way too fast for me. Besides we hadn't even humped yet so how would I know if I'd want to get serious with someone I'd never experienced. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm not gay (current day edit: I'm totally Iranian).
So I nervously take the keys from him wondering just where this is going. Apparently he's an absent minded simpleton (he's from Texas) and wanted someone to have a spare set for if/when he fucked up. Oh OK. I can do that. What a relief.
So we had lunch again today (because he misses me sometimes) and we talked about the key thing. I told him that on that day I had planned on showing up at his house before he got home from work, letting myself in, and wait on his couch to creepily say welcome home. Now see, this would have totally been worth it, but I had plans that night already. Fortunately I didn't do it because he went to class from work and doesn't get home until like 11:00. The joke would have been on me. But really now, who gives their house key to someone that hangs vintage die cast toys from their nipple rings for a kick?* You just know he's going to do something to screw with you. Clearly he was desparate indeed.
*That was another blog entry on myspace complete with photos which I will spare you from. There's a long back story and it was done for a gag.
And current day news (Oct, 4th) he's in Texas right now visiting family. I really need to do something to mess with his apartment. So I'm trusting you, the "murderer's row of bastards and offenders" to help me plot.
(Note: from the Best of Bacon Ace Archives)
So I'm out to lunch with a friend on Wednesday (who also has a penis) and while I was driving us back he said to me in a serious tone "I have something to ask you. This is something that (ex-girlfriend's name) used to do for me". OK uncomfortable yet? I was. I mean he recently broke up with her but he couldn't have been that desparate could he? Was it the manscaping? Does that kick me up a few notches on the gaydar? He then takes out a key ring with a house and car key. He asked me to ..."take this for him" and I wasn't quite sure what was coming next but I was certainly intrigued. I was pretty sure at that point I was being asked to "go steady", but I'm newly single and this was just going way too fast for me. Besides we hadn't even humped yet so how would I know if I'd want to get serious with someone I'd never experienced. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm not gay (current day edit: I'm totally Iranian).
So I nervously take the keys from him wondering just where this is going. Apparently he's an absent minded simpleton (he's from Texas) and wanted someone to have a spare set for if/when he fucked up. Oh OK. I can do that. What a relief.
So we had lunch again today (because he misses me sometimes) and we talked about the key thing. I told him that on that day I had planned on showing up at his house before he got home from work, letting myself in, and wait on his couch to creepily say welcome home. Now see, this would have totally been worth it, but I had plans that night already. Fortunately I didn't do it because he went to class from work and doesn't get home until like 11:00. The joke would have been on me. But really now, who gives their house key to someone that hangs vintage die cast toys from their nipple rings for a kick?* You just know he's going to do something to screw with you. Clearly he was desparate indeed.
*That was another blog entry on myspace complete with photos which I will spare you from. There's a long back story and it was done for a gag.
And current day news (Oct, 4th) he's in Texas right now visiting family. I really need to do something to mess with his apartment. So I'm trusting you, the "murderer's row of bastards and offenders" to help me plot.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Mistakes were made
(For the record this is also a "Best of Bacon Ace" blog post from the past. However NoOprah read it the first time and was uncomfortable so I thought I'd make him read it again)
So apparently I'm taking requests now as I was asked to share this story with the rest of you, and I have no shame so here goes. Here's how our tale starts; a newly single guy decides to make himself more attractive/appealing/whatever for the ladies. Remember, I do it all for the ladies ;-) He decides that he doesn't particularly care for the hair on his back (not that there was a lot, but enough to bug him) and goes on an information gathering quest (OK so he asked a dermatologist and a spa worker) about hair removal. There were 2 options, waxing and laser.
Laser removal is permanent but only guaranteed to get 70-80% of the hair on average though I have dark hair so apparently it's more effective as the lasers target the pigment in the hair. It also costs around $4000 according to the dermatologist. Yikes! It's not that big an issue by damn far.
Ok so waxing? Well it's not nearly permanent, and I believe is only good for about 2-4 weeks depending. It's like $60 a pop plus tip depending on where you go. I decided to try the waxing route and make an appointment. I go in, lay down, they apply the warm wax (which feels really good) then rip it up (which does not feel as good, but does kind of feel oddly nice in a weird way*) which isn't as painful as people make it out to be. It just stings a little. So I walk away from this experience with a remarkably smooth back, and I feel great. The follicles are a little irritated but I was told that this may happen and it will settle down in a few days. This is also a few days before heading out for the California trip. And here's where it all goes to shit.
I figured since we're here, and it's late, and we have nothing to do that Sanjeev and I should head down to the hot tub…at out crappy little hotel. Ok so I figured that the chlorine in the water would keep it clean right? RIGHT? Well that's probably still true, but with these in-ground hot tubs there's the ground level lip of the tub that is obviously not submerged and where your shoulders rest when you lean back. And you're relaxing so you do lean back. Unfortunately when you do that with irritated follicles on your back this can infect them. And you end up with painful and large welts on your back and infected ingrown hairs. The problem here is twofold; I got the infection from the hot tub and ingrown hairs because nobody told me that you're supposed to exfoliate for days ahead of time when getting waxed. I just did it as a spur of the moment thing, called, and drove over to the spa. BIG MISTAKE! So after spending $75 after tip on the waxing, $20 for the dermatologist visit co-pay, and $75 for the prescriptions to clear the infections I was left with a back that no woman in her right mind would touch never mind I was uncomfortable and actually in pain**. FABULOUS!
Thankfully it's all cleared up now and only some pink spots from where the welts had been, but now the hair is growing back so it was all a big waste of time. And the worst part? I was supposed to have my new tattoo started*** the Monday after I got back and had made an appointment about a month previously. So now I couldn't get my tattoo because antibiotics will help the body reject the ink and I'd end up with blotchy color. I was really frustrated too. Not at anyone or anything, but I was just pissed that I was anticipating this even more than the trip. Actually on the trip I couldn't wait to get home to start it. Now I have to wait until next Friday to get it started.****
The good news? The spa I went to also does laser hair removal but for like just over $2000 for the same procedure. I may have to look into this.
* I'm not some masochistic sexual fetishist I'm just saying is all.
**Not the feel good kind.
*** This tattoo will take up to 30 hours**** so when I say "started" I mean about 5-6 hours in a session so I'm looking at starting ASAP.
**** Despite my claims of not getting pleasure from pain the feeling of a tattoo needle actually does feel really good but not in a sexual way.
So apparently I'm taking requests now as I was asked to share this story with the rest of you, and I have no shame so here goes. Here's how our tale starts; a newly single guy decides to make himself more attractive/appealing/whatever for the ladies. Remember, I do it all for the ladies ;-) He decides that he doesn't particularly care for the hair on his back (not that there was a lot, but enough to bug him) and goes on an information gathering quest (OK so he asked a dermatologist and a spa worker) about hair removal. There were 2 options, waxing and laser.
Laser removal is permanent but only guaranteed to get 70-80% of the hair on average though I have dark hair so apparently it's more effective as the lasers target the pigment in the hair. It also costs around $4000 according to the dermatologist. Yikes! It's not that big an issue by damn far.
Ok so waxing? Well it's not nearly permanent, and I believe is only good for about 2-4 weeks depending. It's like $60 a pop plus tip depending on where you go. I decided to try the waxing route and make an appointment. I go in, lay down, they apply the warm wax (which feels really good) then rip it up (which does not feel as good, but does kind of feel oddly nice in a weird way*) which isn't as painful as people make it out to be. It just stings a little. So I walk away from this experience with a remarkably smooth back, and I feel great. The follicles are a little irritated but I was told that this may happen and it will settle down in a few days. This is also a few days before heading out for the California trip. And here's where it all goes to shit.
I figured since we're here, and it's late, and we have nothing to do that Sanjeev and I should head down to the hot tub…at out crappy little hotel. Ok so I figured that the chlorine in the water would keep it clean right? RIGHT? Well that's probably still true, but with these in-ground hot tubs there's the ground level lip of the tub that is obviously not submerged and where your shoulders rest when you lean back. And you're relaxing so you do lean back. Unfortunately when you do that with irritated follicles on your back this can infect them. And you end up with painful and large welts on your back and infected ingrown hairs. The problem here is twofold; I got the infection from the hot tub and ingrown hairs because nobody told me that you're supposed to exfoliate for days ahead of time when getting waxed. I just did it as a spur of the moment thing, called, and drove over to the spa. BIG MISTAKE! So after spending $75 after tip on the waxing, $20 for the dermatologist visit co-pay, and $75 for the prescriptions to clear the infections I was left with a back that no woman in her right mind would touch never mind I was uncomfortable and actually in pain**. FABULOUS!
Thankfully it's all cleared up now and only some pink spots from where the welts had been, but now the hair is growing back so it was all a big waste of time. And the worst part? I was supposed to have my new tattoo started*** the Monday after I got back and had made an appointment about a month previously. So now I couldn't get my tattoo because antibiotics will help the body reject the ink and I'd end up with blotchy color. I was really frustrated too. Not at anyone or anything, but I was just pissed that I was anticipating this even more than the trip. Actually on the trip I couldn't wait to get home to start it. Now I have to wait until next Friday to get it started.****
The good news? The spa I went to also does laser hair removal but for like just over $2000 for the same procedure. I may have to look into this.
* I'm not some masochistic sexual fetishist I'm just saying is all.
**Not the feel good kind.
*** This tattoo will take up to 30 hours**** so when I say "started" I mean about 5-6 hours in a session so I'm looking at starting ASAP.
**** Despite my claims of not getting pleasure from pain the feeling of a tattoo needle actually does feel really good but not in a sexual way.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Sweet life giving Cat. 5 wire how I’ve missed you.
Oh holy hell. I've been without internet access for the past 3 days and it's been torture. I can no longer live without it. I moved Saturday to a new apartment and figured I could use my laptop to "procure" a wifi signal from a neighbor until Tuesday when Comcast comes to install my new digital lifeline. Now in a densely populated area like East Watertown surely someone must have an unsecured router within range right?. But alas, it was not to be. I almost drove to work just to go hook in. I need help.
Think of all the forums posts, MySpace messages, e-mail, and blogs I've missed out on. Never mind XBOX Live! Tomorrow can't come soon enough.
Think of all the forums posts, MySpace messages, e-mail, and blogs I've missed out on. Never mind XBOX Live! Tomorrow can't come soon enough.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Movin' on up
Hey all,
I've got the day off from work today to finalize (do the other 75%) of packing up my belongings for the move tomorrow. Heading to Watertown to be back in civilization, and of course closer to NoOprah's lovely boutique. I'll also be closer to bostongraf for our Saturday morning breakfast meet ups. It's kinds like buddy night, but with far less umbrella drinks.
So as not to confuse Cake and Sparkle (which isn't a put down, I'm starting this out of genuine concern for your mental states) this is indeed a current blog posting. this move hasn't happened yet, it's scheduled for September 29th. So feel free to comment as if it's actually happening now because, well, it is.
I've got the day off from work today to finalize (do the other 75%) of packing up my belongings for the move tomorrow. Heading to Watertown to be back in civilization, and of course closer to NoOprah's lovely boutique. I'll also be closer to bostongraf for our Saturday morning breakfast meet ups. It's kinds like buddy night, but with far less umbrella drinks.
So as not to confuse Cake and Sparkle (which isn't a put down, I'm starting this out of genuine concern for your mental states) this is indeed a current blog posting. this move hasn't happened yet, it's scheduled for September 29th. So feel free to comment as if it's actually happening now because, well, it is.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
On top of Old Smokey
Lighting a cigar on top of a boat in windy Boston Harbor while its drizzling can be a difficult thing to do. And when you've used 1/4 of the book of matches you may start to feel some pressure to get this done or look like an ass. Now I could have asked someone for a lighter, or I could have lit the other 3/4 of the book of matches all at once and hoped for the best. I chose the latter which just barely worked.
The cigar was enjoyed and I didn't feel like a failure any more than I already had that night.
The cigar was enjoyed and I didn't feel like a failure any more than I already had that night.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Shortest job ever?
So many of you know that I started my new consulting engagement this morning and are probably wondering why I'm writing a blog entry at a client site. Fair enough. However, I'm not writing this from the client site. I'm writing from my office back at good old home base. So here's what happened:
I show up at 8:50 at the client site for my 9:00 meet and greet. The person that arranged my contract on their side wasn't in yet so I was asked to wait in his office. 15 minutes go by and the person who escorted me there stopped by to see if he was there yet. He wasn't and she offered a few things to help me out just as my phone rang. It was my sales guy from good old home base telling me that he got a call from the client late last night saying that the deal was off and that they were going to try and get this job done with internal resources. Unfortunately he didn't get the message until this morning.
So now I'm there, in his office, and wondering WTF? My first thought was "dammit why did I go spend $350 last night on non-fat guy shirts and dress clothes which I hate wearing anyway?" Ok, I'll need them anyway for the next client site, but I altered my plans last night to be able to go shopping. Then I had the Matrix scene in my head and half expected the voice on the phone to call me Neo and tell me to do exactly as he said if I wanted to get out of there, instruct me to stay low and run down to the next cubicle.
Oddly this wasn't my shortest job ever. When I was 15 my friend Rich and I got jobs at Foot Locker in Harvard Sq before it opened. I wasn't scheduled to start until after I got back from vacation in Arizona visiting the grandparents. So I get home and I have a message on the answering machine from Rich that simply says "Don't bother going to work tomorrow we both got fired". Bwa!?!?!?. So I called and asked him "What the fuck did you do to get us both fired in under a week?" He wasn't sure what happened he was just asked to not come back in. I called the manager and pretended not to get the message. He essentially said that they found someone else that could work full time instead of us 2 as part time after we were already hired. Man was I pissed.
However I wasn't pissed this morning. It was funny if nothing else. And it gave me the opportunity to open up my car on the way to work which I haven't been able to do simply commuting down Rt 117 in the morning at 30 MPH if I'm lucky. So there was at least a bright side.
I show up at 8:50 at the client site for my 9:00 meet and greet. The person that arranged my contract on their side wasn't in yet so I was asked to wait in his office. 15 minutes go by and the person who escorted me there stopped by to see if he was there yet. He wasn't and she offered a few things to help me out just as my phone rang. It was my sales guy from good old home base telling me that he got a call from the client late last night saying that the deal was off and that they were going to try and get this job done with internal resources. Unfortunately he didn't get the message until this morning.
So now I'm there, in his office, and wondering WTF? My first thought was "dammit why did I go spend $350 last night on non-fat guy shirts and dress clothes which I hate wearing anyway?" Ok, I'll need them anyway for the next client site, but I altered my plans last night to be able to go shopping. Then I had the Matrix scene in my head and half expected the voice on the phone to call me Neo and tell me to do exactly as he said if I wanted to get out of there, instruct me to stay low and run down to the next cubicle.
Oddly this wasn't my shortest job ever. When I was 15 my friend Rich and I got jobs at Foot Locker in Harvard Sq before it opened. I wasn't scheduled to start until after I got back from vacation in Arizona visiting the grandparents. So I get home and I have a message on the answering machine from Rich that simply says "Don't bother going to work tomorrow we both got fired". Bwa!?!?!?. So I called and asked him "What the fuck did you do to get us both fired in under a week?" He wasn't sure what happened he was just asked to not come back in. I called the manager and pretended not to get the message. He essentially said that they found someone else that could work full time instead of us 2 as part time after we were already hired. Man was I pissed.
However I wasn't pissed this morning. It was funny if nothing else. And it gave me the opportunity to open up my car on the way to work which I haven't been able to do simply commuting down Rt 117 in the morning at 30 MPH if I'm lucky. So there was at least a bright side.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Oh shit! Am I a furry!?!?!?!
http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/FurrySexuality
For those of you that don't know what a furry is read this or none of this will make any sense. However you should know that when most people find out what a furry is they wish that they hadn't.
Done reading? Sorry I had to do that to you, but now you know my pain. I myself found out what a furry was a few years ago when a guy I know let me know that he was one when he mentioned that he and his lover frequent Furry-Con, an all furry convention. I shit you not. I thought he was kidding, and I wish it were so. Seriously, I don't think I had an erection for weeks*.
As many of you know I was at the San Diego Comic Con a few weeks ago. Now at large sci-fi and comic book conventions there are often people that dress up as fictional characters (called cosplayers=costumed play) and roam the convention. They're a harmless lot of nerds and some of the costumes are quite impressive, or rather funny. Sometimes it's just an opportunity for a woman to wear little clothes and gather a lot of attention from the throngs of sexless nerds. Case in point; the slave Princess Leia outfit wearing woman (Return of the Jedi) that's been there the past 3 years that admittedly fills it out nicely, and the fat woman that wears one for, what I hope is, irony.
Now since this convention is so amazingly huge (something like 40,000 in attendance each day) the safe harbor to totally be a freak among freaks is nurtured. There's a great little downtown area in SD called the Gaslamp District with a ton of great restaurants and clubs that con attendees basically take over for the week. Now it wouldn't surprise you to know that the cosplayers, in this massive sea of nerds and geeks, feel totally comfortable walking around this area of town in costume. And hey, good on ya and let your freak flag fly people.
Now you thought I forgot about the furries right? Or you wished I had? Sorry Charlie now we get down to the subject of today's blog; Am I a furry? You should know that furries are usually in fully encompassing suits like a mascot or something. So we're walking through the Gaslamp District and headed out for dinner when we come across a beautiful young woman dressed in a Josie and the Pussycats outfit, and she filled it out nicely if I may say. I'll also say that there is nothing wrong with a beautiful woman walking around like that in public, nothing at all. Now here's the problem; we have a woman dressed in an outfit meant to look animal like. It has cat ears, a tail, and is tiger striped. I made a comment about her to my friends as we passed by her and someone jokingly said that made me a furry. Now anthropomorphic animals have never got me hot (Grimace does nothing for me), but she was certainly on my radar. Am I some kinda half furry like a bisexual of the furry world?...
*Ladies that's not true at all, it's just for dramatic weight and my own crass style of humor.
P.S. Still searching for my Asian cowgirl, (5 years and counting). No luck yet but I just know there's one out there for me. And you can all stop suggesting I pay a hooker to dress up as one. That's not the point.
For those of you that don't know what a furry is read this or none of this will make any sense. However you should know that when most people find out what a furry is they wish that they hadn't.
Done reading? Sorry I had to do that to you, but now you know my pain. I myself found out what a furry was a few years ago when a guy I know let me know that he was one when he mentioned that he and his lover frequent Furry-Con, an all furry convention. I shit you not. I thought he was kidding, and I wish it were so. Seriously, I don't think I had an erection for weeks*.
As many of you know I was at the San Diego Comic Con a few weeks ago. Now at large sci-fi and comic book conventions there are often people that dress up as fictional characters (called cosplayers=costumed play) and roam the convention. They're a harmless lot of nerds and some of the costumes are quite impressive, or rather funny. Sometimes it's just an opportunity for a woman to wear little clothes and gather a lot of attention from the throngs of sexless nerds. Case in point; the slave Princess Leia outfit wearing woman (Return of the Jedi) that's been there the past 3 years that admittedly fills it out nicely, and the fat woman that wears one for, what I hope is, irony.
Now since this convention is so amazingly huge (something like 40,000 in attendance each day) the safe harbor to totally be a freak among freaks is nurtured. There's a great little downtown area in SD called the Gaslamp District with a ton of great restaurants and clubs that con attendees basically take over for the week. Now it wouldn't surprise you to know that the cosplayers, in this massive sea of nerds and geeks, feel totally comfortable walking around this area of town in costume. And hey, good on ya and let your freak flag fly people.
Now you thought I forgot about the furries right? Or you wished I had? Sorry Charlie now we get down to the subject of today's blog; Am I a furry? You should know that furries are usually in fully encompassing suits like a mascot or something. So we're walking through the Gaslamp District and headed out for dinner when we come across a beautiful young woman dressed in a Josie and the Pussycats outfit, and she filled it out nicely if I may say. I'll also say that there is nothing wrong with a beautiful woman walking around like that in public, nothing at all. Now here's the problem; we have a woman dressed in an outfit meant to look animal like. It has cat ears, a tail, and is tiger striped. I made a comment about her to my friends as we passed by her and someone jokingly said that made me a furry. Now anthropomorphic animals have never got me hot (Grimace does nothing for me), but she was certainly on my radar. Am I some kinda half furry like a bisexual of the furry world?...
*Ladies that's not true at all, it's just for dramatic weight and my own crass style of humor.
P.S. Still searching for my Asian cowgirl, (5 years and counting). No luck yet but I just know there's one out there for me. And you can all stop suggesting I pay a hooker to dress up as one. That's not the point.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Fucking Mondays!
Dammit! So I get into work today and swing by the kitchen to grab a spoon when I see a co-worker there who, thankfully, mentions the clients coming in today. Those would be the clients the owner (my direct boss) sent an e-mail about last week asking us to dress more business than casual (dress shirt and slacks as opposed to our. Unfortunately for me I'm starting at a new client site (new to me and the company) tomorrow for a limited engagement and need to make a good impression to a) either keep me there longer, and or, b) get more of my coworkers in house. We're consultants if that didn't make any sense.
Now with my mind focused on the new engagement tomorrow I, forgetting the boss' e-mail, decided to go more casual today and to save the "nice" clothes to impress the new client tomorrow. DOH! So I had to boogie on home 5 minutes after getting to work, crack open the nice clothes stash, iron, and haul ass back to work thankfully before the clients arrived. I also haven't shaved since Thursday so I'm a bit rough around the edges. I was planning on shaving tomorrow morning. Again, new client and all. All this hassle for someone I'll simply be introduced to, shake hands, and they'll move right on. It's also possible that I'll see them on their way, but that will be the extent of our communication.
Now if you know me well you'll know that I don't go out of my way to impress people. They either like me or they don't. I don't even make this much fuss about first dates, and I'm damn sure more interested in what happens with those than with any clients. Hell, I've shown up to quite a few first dates in just jeans and a t-shirt. Okay, I was a teenager then but you get the point.
Sorry there's no funny in today's blog, just rambling.
Now with my mind focused on the new engagement tomorrow I, forgetting the boss' e-mail, decided to go more casual today and to save the "nice" clothes to impress the new client tomorrow. DOH! So I had to boogie on home 5 minutes after getting to work, crack open the nice clothes stash, iron, and haul ass back to work thankfully before the clients arrived. I also haven't shaved since Thursday so I'm a bit rough around the edges. I was planning on shaving tomorrow morning. Again, new client and all. All this hassle for someone I'll simply be introduced to, shake hands, and they'll move right on. It's also possible that I'll see them on their way, but that will be the extent of our communication.
Now if you know me well you'll know that I don't go out of my way to impress people. They either like me or they don't. I don't even make this much fuss about first dates, and I'm damn sure more interested in what happens with those than with any clients. Hell, I've shown up to quite a few first dates in just jeans and a t-shirt. Okay, I was a teenager then but you get the point.
Sorry there's no funny in today's blog, just rambling.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Snake Bite!
A long held dream of mine was fulfilled today. My co-worker Joe and I went to Wakefield for lunch in his car and we were bringing food back for another co-worker. Another car load of people came with us as well. After we ate I had food to bring back and Joe suggested that I give it to the other car since I'd be driving and held out his keys. I wasn't sure if I should reach out for them or if he would pull them back. I was frozen. You see Joe owns my if-I-won-the-lottery-car, a Dodge Viper. I've long dreamed to own or even simply drive one of these beasts.
I cautiously reached out for the keys and had them in hand. He knows how much driving one would mean to me, and I said "Now would be a very bad time to tell me you're joking". He just laughed and said that he was serious, and I haven't felt this grateful for something in a long time.
What you need to understand is that my 2 dream cars since 1997 have been a WRX and a Viper (attainable, and lottery winner respectively). I now own one and have driven the other which is probably as close as I'll ever come to one and I'm OK with that.
This car handles like its on rails and is ridiculously fast. For those of you that don't know what a Viper is it's a rear wheel drive 500 horsepower 6 speed manual monster. This particular one is a yellow convertible. It has 6 speeds but I wasn't going to need them. We were rolling on 95 doing 60 mph when a lane opened and I was told to "open it up". Still in 4th gear at 60mph I nailed the gas and hit 100 mph in what seemed like about 5-6 car lengths. Now my car's no slouch to say the least, but this just amazed me. It's the fastest and nicest car I have ever, or probably will ever drive. I'm still giddy from it.
I think him offering comes from 2 things; 1) we're both car guys and he understands my profound admiration and respect for that car. He knows I wouldn't beat on it and I'd be extremely careful. 2) He's been without his car for 2 months of prime summer driving and it's really been eating at him (got it back last Saturday). A few weeks ago when going out to lunch I told him to drive my car because I know how lunch he missed driving a performance vehicle. He was very appreciative and put Blue through the paces. Call it karma (car-ma)
BTW when a Viper owner is impressed by your car you've done something right ;-)
I cautiously reached out for the keys and had them in hand. He knows how much driving one would mean to me, and I said "Now would be a very bad time to tell me you're joking". He just laughed and said that he was serious, and I haven't felt this grateful for something in a long time.
What you need to understand is that my 2 dream cars since 1997 have been a WRX and a Viper (attainable, and lottery winner respectively). I now own one and have driven the other which is probably as close as I'll ever come to one and I'm OK with that.
This car handles like its on rails and is ridiculously fast. For those of you that don't know what a Viper is it's a rear wheel drive 500 horsepower 6 speed manual monster. This particular one is a yellow convertible. It has 6 speeds but I wasn't going to need them. We were rolling on 95 doing 60 mph when a lane opened and I was told to "open it up". Still in 4th gear at 60mph I nailed the gas and hit 100 mph in what seemed like about 5-6 car lengths. Now my car's no slouch to say the least, but this just amazed me. It's the fastest and nicest car I have ever, or probably will ever drive. I'm still giddy from it.
I think him offering comes from 2 things; 1) we're both car guys and he understands my profound admiration and respect for that car. He knows I wouldn't beat on it and I'd be extremely careful. 2) He's been without his car for 2 months of prime summer driving and it's really been eating at him (got it back last Saturday). A few weeks ago when going out to lunch I told him to drive my car because I know how lunch he missed driving a performance vehicle. He was very appreciative and put Blue through the paces. Call it karma (car-ma)
BTW when a Viper owner is impressed by your car you've done something right ;-)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Going Bananas
Just a quick hit here. Reese's has been putting out some crazy peanut butter cup combinations over the last 2 years. Some have been good, some not as good. But good gravy did they nail it this time. They now have the "THE King Size" Elvis themed PB cups with banana cream and they are just what the doctor ordered. They loveliness is housed in the Big Cup chassis so you get the normal amount of PB as in the standard cups, and an equal amount of banana cream.
I picked these up last week at a deli on the way to work and flipped when I had them. I bought the last pack Monday and am afraid to eat them in case I can't find any more.
Crappy phone pic here (sorry it's the best I could do at work:
I picked these up last week at a deli on the way to work and flipped when I had them. I bought the last pack Monday and am afraid to eat them in case I can't find any more.
Crappy phone pic here (sorry it's the best I could do at work:
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I'm not fat it's my shirt
So I was out buying clothes last night for a semi-formal company party coming up. I asked the attendant at the gentleman's shop to help me find a shirt that doesn't billow at the waist when tucked in (think muffin top). He said that they all do that. I told him that since my shoulders are wider than my waist I'd like an athletic cut so it tapers in from the armpits. I was then informed that they have very little selection in that cut. Basically only 3 colors. Bwa!?!?! I wasn't in a big and tall store. What the hell was going on?
It seems that the men's clothing industry has nearly given up on serving people at least somewhat in shape. Yes, if you want nice clothes that fit please don't work out and only eat garbage. That's the lesson for today because you'll be hard pressed to find an athletic cut shirt at a department store which is why I went to the gentleman's store. So I had to pay a penalty because I'm not fat? I had to buy a more expensive shirt, and with less options, because I care about my body and haven't just gone to shit? I suppose my other option is to buy the simulated fat guy shirt to save some dough. What the fuck kind of world are we living in? I guess all the fat people are now laughing at me for laughing at them for having to pay for 2 plane seats.
Oh cruel irony.
It seems that the men's clothing industry has nearly given up on serving people at least somewhat in shape. Yes, if you want nice clothes that fit please don't work out and only eat garbage. That's the lesson for today because you'll be hard pressed to find an athletic cut shirt at a department store which is why I went to the gentleman's store. So I had to pay a penalty because I'm not fat? I had to buy a more expensive shirt, and with less options, because I care about my body and haven't just gone to shit? I suppose my other option is to buy the simulated fat guy shirt to save some dough. What the fuck kind of world are we living in? I guess all the fat people are now laughing at me for laughing at them for having to pay for 2 plane seats.
Oh cruel irony.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Do as I say!!!
I give very simple instructions and am met with redundant questions. Maybe this stuff shouldn't bother me as much as it does, maybe I'm nitpicking, but life is in the details isn't it?
Medium regular:
So when ordering a coffee you simply go up to the counter at Dunkin' Donuts and state the size and what you'd like in it. I get a medium regular most of the time. "Regular" means cream and sugar. That's what it means. So don't ask me if I want cream or sugar if I already said "regular". The last time this happened I asked the genius behind the counter "Doesn't regular mean that it should have cream and sugar?" He said I may have been talking about the size. WTF? There's more than one medium now I asked him? He didn't understand the question so I stated again that I would like a medium regular, and that that meant that I wanted a medium coffee with cream and sugar. The next time I was there we went through the same dance.
So the other problem with ordering this way (you know the hassle free way) is that after stating that I want a medium regular I'm sometimes asked if I want that iced or hot. Are you fucking kidding me? Did I ask for it iced? If I don't specify "iced" isn't it automatically hot? Coffee is a hot beverage by nature. If you want the alternative (i.e. "iced") then you have to mention that when ordering. If I don't say "iced" then I don't want it iced. Now stop asking me stupid questions and make my fucking coffee!
Italian with everything:
Look up the definition of "everything" in the dictionary. Go ahead I'll wait. Back? Good. Let me make this absolutely clear you sandwich making fool; when I ask for a small Italian sub with everything that means everything. Why is it when I order my sub that way some moron always asks me "do you want hots with that?" OF COURSE I DO! I ordered it with "everything" for the love of Pete! Stop wasting my time and make the damn thing. Now you may say "but Bacon Ace some people don't want hots on their Italian sub". Fine, then they should order "everything but hots". This isn't difficult people. But no, the intelligent have to suffer (relatively, it's not that much suffering) so that we may dumb it down to the lowest common denominator.
Club
I used to work in a sub shop in college. People would constantly order a club and ask to hold the bacon. Actual conversation:
Fool: Can I have a turkey club with no bacon?
Me: So you just want a turkey sub?
Fool: No, I want a turkey club with no bacon.
Me: Do you know what a club sandwich is?
Fool: Yes.
Me: I don't think you do seeing that the word "club" when referring to a sandwich means "with bacon". So I can charge you for a turkey club and not add the bacon if you want, or I can just make you a turkey sub. However what you're ordering right now is impossible to make.
Since this all started with the coffee rant many of you may be quick to reply "time for decaf". However I will point out that my irritation at these numbskulls at Dunkies happens before I get my coffee so let's just nip that response in the bud shall we?
Medium regular:
So when ordering a coffee you simply go up to the counter at Dunkin' Donuts and state the size and what you'd like in it. I get a medium regular most of the time. "Regular" means cream and sugar. That's what it means. So don't ask me if I want cream or sugar if I already said "regular". The last time this happened I asked the genius behind the counter "Doesn't regular mean that it should have cream and sugar?" He said I may have been talking about the size. WTF? There's more than one medium now I asked him? He didn't understand the question so I stated again that I would like a medium regular, and that that meant that I wanted a medium coffee with cream and sugar. The next time I was there we went through the same dance.
So the other problem with ordering this way (you know the hassle free way) is that after stating that I want a medium regular I'm sometimes asked if I want that iced or hot. Are you fucking kidding me? Did I ask for it iced? If I don't specify "iced" isn't it automatically hot? Coffee is a hot beverage by nature. If you want the alternative (i.e. "iced") then you have to mention that when ordering. If I don't say "iced" then I don't want it iced. Now stop asking me stupid questions and make my fucking coffee!
Italian with everything:
Look up the definition of "everything" in the dictionary. Go ahead I'll wait. Back? Good. Let me make this absolutely clear you sandwich making fool; when I ask for a small Italian sub with everything that means everything. Why is it when I order my sub that way some moron always asks me "do you want hots with that?" OF COURSE I DO! I ordered it with "everything" for the love of Pete! Stop wasting my time and make the damn thing. Now you may say "but Bacon Ace some people don't want hots on their Italian sub". Fine, then they should order "everything but hots". This isn't difficult people. But no, the intelligent have to suffer (relatively, it's not that much suffering) so that we may dumb it down to the lowest common denominator.
Club
I used to work in a sub shop in college. People would constantly order a club and ask to hold the bacon. Actual conversation:
Fool: Can I have a turkey club with no bacon?
Me: So you just want a turkey sub?
Fool: No, I want a turkey club with no bacon.
Me: Do you know what a club sandwich is?
Fool: Yes.
Me: I don't think you do seeing that the word "club" when referring to a sandwich means "with bacon". So I can charge you for a turkey club and not add the bacon if you want, or I can just make you a turkey sub. However what you're ordering right now is impossible to make.
Since this all started with the coffee rant many of you may be quick to reply "time for decaf". However I will point out that my irritation at these numbskulls at Dunkies happens before I get my coffee so let's just nip that response in the bud shall we?
Friday, September 14, 2007
Survey Time
OK so since these are recycled blogs postings (uh..I mean Bacon's Greatest Hits) I should let you iknow that on myspace people send out these surveys constantly. So here goes.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not really. My mother saw the show listing for Perry Mason and decided she liked the name. So I'm not named after him per se. My father wanted to name me Harley Davidson Fitch but was quickly shot down. Man that would have been sweet, but I wonder how differently my life would have turned out with that name. Listen to Johnny Cash's "A Boy named Sue".
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A little while ago while going through a divorce. I don't think I get my "Man Club" card revoked for crying about a divorce do I? Those things suck!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING Not in the least, and neither does anyone unfortunate enough to have to read it.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Bacon stupid.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No just a cat.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Definitely!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? Yes, but I refuse to answer this question sarcastically as it's too obvious.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yup
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Pops. Previously known as Sugar Pops, then Corn Pops. Now just non-descriptive "Pops". I also like Kashii Go Lean Crunch. Laugh all you want but that's some tasty stuff right there.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yeah, I don't want to screw up their shape.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically? Somewhat. Appropriate for my size at least. Mentally? Yes. personality? Yes.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with melted peanut butter topping. If that involves chocolate then all the better.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Women physically? I suppose that depends if they're facing me or facing away.
Men physically: Height I guess
Both personality: How open they are
15. RED OR PINK? Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I sometimes procrastinate
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST My Aunt Carol
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Well I didn't do this as a bulliten so that would be difficult. (Edir: Okay that answer makes no sense in this context)
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pants; Olive. Shoes; black
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A really shitty chicken salad sub. Oh man it was all salt. Bacon wouldn't have steered me wrong. Oh why did I stray?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of my own typing. I basically always listen to my iPod on shuffle mode so the answer changes every few minutes.
22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Color doesn't matter at that point. What matters is that if I were reincarnated from a kick ass top of the food chain human to a crayon some higher power would be getting their ass handed to them.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? If i didn't say bacon would you be shocked and or dissapointed? Don't worry, it's up there. Also the smell of spring rain after freshly cut grass. This is made even better when driving at night. It's very relaxing.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A technical recruiter that called me about another consulting gig. No thanks I'm happy where I am.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Well I took it from someone else's blog so technically I sent it to me. And I love me. But to better answer the question I do like the person that I took it from.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Skateboarding, baseball, rally racing
27. YOUR HAIR COLOR? It was red but as I got older it's turned brown with red highlights. though I'm still a "real redhead" and can prove it.
28. EYE COLOR? Odd. The outer ring of the iris is green with the inner iris being brown, but you have to get close to tell the difference. I could be lying and this could be a way to get women to get their faces close to mine though. Only time and experience will tell.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I so do
30. Favorite Past time? I tend not to have "favorite" things too much as it tends to affect your judgement and can limit your experiences. There are a lot of things I like to do, and I live by the motto "variety is the spice of life". I know, this is ironic coming from someone that identifies himself strongly with bacon.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? How about happy movies with scary endings?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Fast Times at Ridgemont High
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? All seasons really. Winter for snowboarding and ice racing. Summer, Spring for less clothes. Autumn for the beautiful color changes to the environment especially being here in New England.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both. It just depends who.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Kat (Edit: Since Kat's not on Blogger I highly doubt this answer is true now)
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND Pinky. She's a cat after all.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? An H.P. Lovecraft short story compliation. Don't remember the exact name. Something or other about horror.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Optical mouse=no mouse pad.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Nothing. I was at a friend's house and the TV was on, but we were talking the whole night so we didn't really watch anything.
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Pinky's purr, or the purr of my WRX's exhaust which will soon be swapped for a performance exhaust which will sound much better
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? San Diego. And hey I'm headed there again tomorrow.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Meh, I try to learn a lot of things and broaden myself, but I don't often focus on one thing.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Brighton MA
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not really. My mother saw the show listing for Perry Mason and decided she liked the name. So I'm not named after him per se. My father wanted to name me Harley Davidson Fitch but was quickly shot down. Man that would have been sweet, but I wonder how differently my life would have turned out with that name. Listen to Johnny Cash's "A Boy named Sue".
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A little while ago while going through a divorce. I don't think I get my "Man Club" card revoked for crying about a divorce do I? Those things suck!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING Not in the least, and neither does anyone unfortunate enough to have to read it.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Bacon stupid.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No just a cat.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Definitely!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? Yes, but I refuse to answer this question sarcastically as it's too obvious.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yup
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Pops. Previously known as Sugar Pops, then Corn Pops. Now just non-descriptive "Pops". I also like Kashii Go Lean Crunch. Laugh all you want but that's some tasty stuff right there.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yeah, I don't want to screw up their shape.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically? Somewhat. Appropriate for my size at least. Mentally? Yes. personality? Yes.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with melted peanut butter topping. If that involves chocolate then all the better.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Women physically? I suppose that depends if they're facing me or facing away.
Men physically: Height I guess
Both personality: How open they are
15. RED OR PINK? Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I sometimes procrastinate
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST My Aunt Carol
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Well I didn't do this as a bulliten so that would be difficult. (Edir: Okay that answer makes no sense in this context)
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pants; Olive. Shoes; black
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A really shitty chicken salad sub. Oh man it was all salt. Bacon wouldn't have steered me wrong. Oh why did I stray?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of my own typing. I basically always listen to my iPod on shuffle mode so the answer changes every few minutes.
22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Color doesn't matter at that point. What matters is that if I were reincarnated from a kick ass top of the food chain human to a crayon some higher power would be getting their ass handed to them.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? If i didn't say bacon would you be shocked and or dissapointed? Don't worry, it's up there. Also the smell of spring rain after freshly cut grass. This is made even better when driving at night. It's very relaxing.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A technical recruiter that called me about another consulting gig. No thanks I'm happy where I am.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Well I took it from someone else's blog so technically I sent it to me. And I love me. But to better answer the question I do like the person that I took it from.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Skateboarding, baseball, rally racing
27. YOUR HAIR COLOR? It was red but as I got older it's turned brown with red highlights. though I'm still a "real redhead" and can prove it.
28. EYE COLOR? Odd. The outer ring of the iris is green with the inner iris being brown, but you have to get close to tell the difference. I could be lying and this could be a way to get women to get their faces close to mine though. Only time and experience will tell.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I so do
30. Favorite Past time? I tend not to have "favorite" things too much as it tends to affect your judgement and can limit your experiences. There are a lot of things I like to do, and I live by the motto "variety is the spice of life". I know, this is ironic coming from someone that identifies himself strongly with bacon.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? How about happy movies with scary endings?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Fast Times at Ridgemont High
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? All seasons really. Winter for snowboarding and ice racing. Summer, Spring for less clothes. Autumn for the beautiful color changes to the environment especially being here in New England.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both. It just depends who.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Kat (Edit: Since Kat's not on Blogger I highly doubt this answer is true now)
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND Pinky. She's a cat after all.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? An H.P. Lovecraft short story compliation. Don't remember the exact name. Something or other about horror.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Optical mouse=no mouse pad.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Nothing. I was at a friend's house and the TV was on, but we were talking the whole night so we didn't really watch anything.
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Pinky's purr, or the purr of my WRX's exhaust which will soon be swapped for a performance exhaust which will sound much better
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? San Diego. And hey I'm headed there again tomorrow.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Meh, I try to learn a lot of things and broaden myself, but I don't often focus on one thing.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Brighton MA
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Why I am "shit"
So I'm at Dunkin' Donuts a few days ago in the afternoon to meet a friend and snag a (much needed) coffee in the afternoon when who do I run into on the way in but Cousin Johnny* himself. Now I rarely see Cousin Johnny (sadly mostly at funerals, and we have a huge family so I see him under those circumstances more than I'd like to). So I introduce my friend Anita** to Cousin Johnny, and he corrects me during the conversation and says we're 2nd cousins (please help me because I've never understood that whole 2nd, 3rd cousins bit).
Now you see, Cousin Johnny is my mother's cousin which I think makes us 2nd cousins. Then we guessed that if Cousin Johnny had kids that they would be my 3rd cousins. The conversation goes on for another minute or so and the three of us are stumped. At this point I just said "fuck it we're just cousins", but Cousin Johnny really wanted to get to the bottom of this so he asked the woman at the register at the Dunkin Donuts with too few teeth*** if my mother and he were cousins what would that make us?
Her answer, loud and delivered with a straight face; "Shit".
*We all call him "Cousin Johnny". I have no idea why seeing as how I don't use the proper descriptor "aunt" our "uncle" for any of my aunts or uncles. As a matter of fact nobody in my family does so it's all the odder that we all say "Cousin Johnny". Even my grandmother calls him "Cousin Johnny". So here's the thing; that side of the family is 100% Irish and from Boston. Kellie (who is my cousin, but never referred to as "Cousin Kellie") and I have always wondered if he's in the Irish Mafia but never actually wanted to ask so we just play along and call him "Cousin Johnny". I suggest you do as well when you meet him.
** I just call her Anita, not "Friend Anita".
*** I have no idea why but I'm going to go with this train of thought; Don't question Cousin Johnny too stringently and just let him run with it.
Now you see, Cousin Johnny is my mother's cousin which I think makes us 2nd cousins. Then we guessed that if Cousin Johnny had kids that they would be my 3rd cousins. The conversation goes on for another minute or so and the three of us are stumped. At this point I just said "fuck it we're just cousins", but Cousin Johnny really wanted to get to the bottom of this so he asked the woman at the register at the Dunkin Donuts with too few teeth*** if my mother and he were cousins what would that make us?
Her answer, loud and delivered with a straight face; "Shit".
*We all call him "Cousin Johnny". I have no idea why seeing as how I don't use the proper descriptor "aunt" our "uncle" for any of my aunts or uncles. As a matter of fact nobody in my family does so it's all the odder that we all say "Cousin Johnny". Even my grandmother calls him "Cousin Johnny". So here's the thing; that side of the family is 100% Irish and from Boston. Kellie (who is my cousin, but never referred to as "Cousin Kellie") and I have always wondered if he's in the Irish Mafia but never actually wanted to ask so we just play along and call him "Cousin Johnny". I suggest you do as well when you meet him.
** I just call her Anita, not "Friend Anita".
*** I have no idea why but I'm going to go with this train of thought; Don't question Cousin Johnny too stringently and just let him run with it.
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