(For the record this is also a "Best of Bacon Ace" blog post from the past. However NoOprah read it the first time and was uncomfortable so I thought I'd make him read it again)
So apparently I'm taking requests now as I was asked to share this story with the rest of you, and I have no shame so here goes. Here's how our tale starts; a newly single guy decides to make himself more attractive/appealing/whatever for the ladies. Remember, I do it all for the ladies ;-) He decides that he doesn't particularly care for the hair on his back (not that there was a lot, but enough to bug him) and goes on an information gathering quest (OK so he asked a dermatologist and a spa worker) about hair removal. There were 2 options, waxing and laser.
Laser removal is permanent but only guaranteed to get 70-80% of the hair on average though I have dark hair so apparently it's more effective as the lasers target the pigment in the hair. It also costs around $4000 according to the dermatologist. Yikes! It's not that big an issue by damn far.
Ok so waxing? Well it's not nearly permanent, and I believe is only good for about 2-4 weeks depending. It's like $60 a pop plus tip depending on where you go. I decided to try the waxing route and make an appointment. I go in, lay down, they apply the warm wax (which feels really good) then rip it up (which does not feel as good, but does kind of feel oddly nice in a weird way*) which isn't as painful as people make it out to be. It just stings a little. So I walk away from this experience with a remarkably smooth back, and I feel great. The follicles are a little irritated but I was told that this may happen and it will settle down in a few days. This is also a few days before heading out for the California trip. And here's where it all goes to shit.
I figured since we're here, and it's late, and we have nothing to do that Sanjeev and I should head down to the hot tub…at out crappy little hotel. Ok so I figured that the chlorine in the water would keep it clean right? RIGHT? Well that's probably still true, but with these in-ground hot tubs there's the ground level lip of the tub that is obviously not submerged and where your shoulders rest when you lean back. And you're relaxing so you do lean back. Unfortunately when you do that with irritated follicles on your back this can infect them. And you end up with painful and large welts on your back and infected ingrown hairs. The problem here is twofold; I got the infection from the hot tub and ingrown hairs because nobody told me that you're supposed to exfoliate for days ahead of time when getting waxed. I just did it as a spur of the moment thing, called, and drove over to the spa. BIG MISTAKE! So after spending $75 after tip on the waxing, $20 for the dermatologist visit co-pay, and $75 for the prescriptions to clear the infections I was left with a back that no woman in her right mind would touch never mind I was uncomfortable and actually in pain**. FABULOUS!
Thankfully it's all cleared up now and only some pink spots from where the welts had been, but now the hair is growing back so it was all a big waste of time. And the worst part? I was supposed to have my new tattoo started*** the Monday after I got back and had made an appointment about a month previously. So now I couldn't get my tattoo because antibiotics will help the body reject the ink and I'd end up with blotchy color. I was really frustrated too. Not at anyone or anything, but I was just pissed that I was anticipating this even more than the trip. Actually on the trip I couldn't wait to get home to start it. Now I have to wait until next Friday to get it started.****
The good news? The spa I went to also does laser hair removal but for like just over $2000 for the same procedure. I may have to look into this.
* I'm not some masochistic sexual fetishist I'm just saying is all.
**Not the feel good kind.
*** This tattoo will take up to 30 hours**** so when I say "started" I mean about 5-6 hours in a session so I'm looking at starting ASAP.
**** Despite my claims of not getting pleasure from pain the feeling of a tattoo needle actually does feel really good but not in a sexual way.
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15 comments:
Okay, so what you're saying is that you're a masochistic sexual fetishist? :-)
Follow-up: (1) Did you get your tattoo? (2) How does getting a tattoo feel good? (3) Is No Oprah equally uncomfy reading this the second time? We can only hope. (4) Well, good for you for trying something new--except for the whole Quasimodo monsterlavaback thing. But, you didn't need to do that--who doesn't like Bacon?
1) I'm 7.5 hours into it. The outline is almost complete and ffilling/shading may start next Monday.
2) I think this falls into the category of "if I have to explain it you wouldn't understand". If you've never experienced it it's hard to explain.
3) Oh man I hope so.
4) Yeah I didn't need to do it, I just figured I would. meh.
I was only uncomfortable because I love my men to have hairy backs.
It's a turn on.
Tattooed Bacon.
Hairy Bacon.
These are two products you rarely find in your local supermarket. I can't imagine why.
I should add that my new tattoo is coming out "lovely" so far.
Goodness gracious!
1) Aw, c'mon! I'm smaht! I could understand! Plus, you could make anything up about how it feels and I would believe it. Like, "It feels exactly like Custer's Last Stand, Sparkle" or "It feels like oatmeal without raisins, Sparkle." See? I believe both things!
2) I've always wanted a dragon tattoo, but I hesitate. It would need to be the right kind of elegant/understated dragon (this is hard), plus I figure I'm allergic to the ink and I won't find out 'til afterwards when I have a giant, inflated arm. Plus: Where? I'm in tattoo limbo.
3) What is your tattoo OF?
4) I like "meh." "Whatcha doin' today?" "Meh," shrug, "Just Magooin' around."
5) I never thought of it like that. Hairy bacon is scary bacon!
6) Gloriarsky!
OK it feels like a cat scratch, but over a long duration. Not the extra skin ripping sound kind of cat scratch, just the attention grabbing kind. And since you get an adrenaline rush out of it you also feel a real "wow I'm alive!" feeling.
They usually take about 10-14 days to fully heal. In that time you KNOW you're alive.
That's perfect, Mr. Ace! I could see it being like that. Thanks. (See, you could be lying and I'd still believe you, but that sounds right to me so I super-believe you.)
So to sum up:
Ummmmm...I can't sum this up. Don't wax and then go in chlorinated water?
Did I miss it? What's the new tattoo? Please oh please tell me it's eggs! (No, not AIDS...I'm enunciating! EEEEGGS.)
Hahahaha. I forgot about you wishing "AIDS" on me ;-)
It's a complete right sleeve 9wrist up to the top of the shoulder. There are tiger lillys and red hibiscuses scattered throughout with the appropriate leaves for each flower surrounding it (7 flowers in total). The shoulder cap has (or will shortly have) a large yellow sun set behind the top most flowers with rays coming up on top of the shoulder and a few clouds to break up all the yellow. Man I really should get some good pics of it.
Sounds lovely doesn't it?
Sparkletron,
I'd never lie to you. Unless it was on NoOprah's blog where that sort of thing is encouraged.
WOW! I like being Sparkletron! Your new tattoo sounds great, and I look forward to seeing you in the pages of Skin & Ink some day. Here's a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne to celebrate your Internet connection!
Goodness, but it sounds very lovely!
I'm disappointed it's not eggs, though. Flowers and bacon just doesn't have quite the same mouth-watering appeal.
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