...or rather he found me. WTF?!?!
(Note: from the Best of Bacon Ace Archives)
So I'm out to lunch with a friend on Wednesday (who also has a penis) and while I was driving us back he said to me in a serious tone "I have something to ask you. This is something that (ex-girlfriend's name) used to do for me". OK uncomfortable yet? I was. I mean he recently broke up with her but he couldn't have been that desparate could he? Was it the manscaping? Does that kick me up a few notches on the gaydar? He then takes out a key ring with a house and car key. He asked me to ..."take this for him" and I wasn't quite sure what was coming next but I was certainly intrigued. I was pretty sure at that point I was being asked to "go steady", but I'm newly single and this was just going way too fast for me. Besides we hadn't even humped yet so how would I know if I'd want to get serious with someone I'd never experienced. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm not gay (current day edit: I'm totally Iranian).
So I nervously take the keys from him wondering just where this is going. Apparently he's an absent minded simpleton (he's from Texas) and wanted someone to have a spare set for if/when he fucked up. Oh OK. I can do that. What a relief.
So we had lunch again today (because he misses me sometimes) and we talked about the key thing. I told him that on that day I had planned on showing up at his house before he got home from work, letting myself in, and wait on his couch to creepily say welcome home. Now see, this would have totally been worth it, but I had plans that night already. Fortunately I didn't do it because he went to class from work and doesn't get home until like 11:00. The joke would have been on me. But really now, who gives their house key to someone that hangs vintage die cast toys from their nipple rings for a kick?* You just know he's going to do something to screw with you. Clearly he was desparate indeed.
*That was another blog entry on myspace complete with photos which I will spare you from. There's a long back story and it was done for a gag.
And current day news (Oct, 4th) he's in Texas right now visiting family. I really need to do something to mess with his apartment. So I'm trusting you, the "murderer's row of bastards and offenders" to help me plot.
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10 comments:
FUNNY! SO funny, from stem to stern. (1) Nougat! (2) I'm somebody's "emergency key-keeper," too. Shouldn't there be a ceremony when they hand it over? (3) "Vintage die cast toys from..." OW OW OWWWW! (4) You just made my day with the reference to "murderer's row of bastards and offenders"...I STILL love that. (5) Down to business. Others will come up with better stuff, but: The mannequin head in the fridge usually works pretty well.
Nipple rings just sound more painful to me than they're worth...do they ever get snagged on anything? Ow ow OW!
As for the house...hmmm. Saran Wrap on the toilet seat?
A mannequin's head is a good idea but I don't have access to one.
It honestly doesn't hurt as bad as you'd think to have them put in. And no, they're closed circles so they don't get snagged on things. Yowever I've had them yanked on 2 occasions by people that didn't know they were there. THAT hurts.
Oh and Saran Wrap? Come on Cake! I'm looking for murderer's row type help and you're giving snickering college kids kinda help. Frankly I expected more from someone that killed her boss with wishful thinking.
Cakie's suggestion is an absolute classic, and you might want to go that route! If he's groggy from his trip, you will definitely fool him. Yaay Cakie!
If you want to try the mannequin head thing, here's what you do. Go to Blaine! School of Hair Design (I love that exclamation point. Blaine!). If you don't want to trust your hair to Blaine! students, you catch the girls outside on their smoke break, flirt with them, and ask if they have any mannequin heads you can borrow to fool a friend. You do not wander up and ask, "Hi! Can I have some head?" Not that you ever, ever would. I'm just sayin', you might get tasered, bro.
Ooh! But Cakie's thingy would be effective. WAIT: He doesn't have a heart condition, does he? 'cause puh-leeze don't do the mannequin head thing if he does? (Note: I actually got this idea from a beautician, long ago...They're always pranking with their practice heads.)
C'mon, Saran Wrap has that predictable-yet-unpredictable quality. He won't see it coming.
No? Fine.
Change his locks? No? Too much?
Okay...you could do the whole standard of rearranging his furniture.
How about setting timers on his lights so they go off and on when he's least expecting it?
Short-sheet his bed? (Someone had to explain that one to me and I'm still amused by it.)
Police tape across his door? Chalk outline in the driveway?
Must think on this some more...
POLICE TAPE! POLICE TAPE!
OK I've got it. This friend of mine met someone recently. Dated a few times and felt a connection, but there was something about her appearance that didn't sit well with him and he couldn't figure it out. that is until he realized *dramatic music* she looked exactly like our friend Ron. *dun dun dun*
So I'm going to make color prints of her face and hide them all over his apartment. One will be taped to the ceiling above his bed so it's the last thing he'll see at night. I'm also going to get the mannequin head (thanks Sparkletron) and tape her face to it before putting it in the fridge. The best part is that we're meeting at his place on Monday morning so I get to see if he's found them all.
Whoa...The Sparkletron is IMPRESSED.
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