Al Joleson's Donut World

Yes it mus be All Hallow's Eve indeed. For there can be no other explaination as to why the Dunkin Donuts manager today was wearing an afro wig, gold chain with a huge dollar symbol, and black face. I shit you not. I wanted to take a picture but I was too horrified.

I'm a good person

I was at Dunkies this morning getting coffee on the way to work. I was way late but it's my last day so screw it. Plus I'm a consultant and get paid hourly so they sure wouldn't care. So the line is long and moving slowly and even though I can't officially be "late" to work I was still getting antsy. Then 3 elderly people came through the door; 2 women and 1 man with a WWII veteran hat on. He could barely walk and was helped to the table by the 2 women. 1 of the women then got into line right behind me presumably to order for all 3 of them. When I was waved on to the next register I turned around and said "go ahead ma'am" (and quite please with myself if I do say so) and do you know what she did? She said "You don't want to go down there?" meaning that it was too far for me to walk and that I was somehow giving her a burden instead of a gift. I said "its fine I'm not in a hurry, you can go ahead". She looked at me and said "alright" and shuffled along. That old bitch didn't even say thank you. I almost tripped her on the way by too, but then I remembered that "I'm a good person" and refrained from causing any more hip splinterings in this crazy world we live in.

Several Minutes!

There's this diner in Stow that I went to "several" years ago. I hadn't been back until last week for a "several" reasons; there were better places around, the atmosphere wasn't that great, odd service (not bad just "odd" read on).

So I ordered a bacon egg and cheese sandwich to go at the register. Nothing shocking there, it's me after all and I was in a breakfast food establishment. The server says to me "That will be several minutes" WTF does that even mean? Now when assuring a customer that their food will be ordered and sent to them there are many acceptable phrases such as "That will be right out", "That will be a few minutes", "Have a seat and Sheila will be out to rub your feet while you wait"*, "Nice sideburns dude"** However saying "That will be several minutes" sounds kind of confrontational, and he didn't say it in a confrontational tone, it just a damn odd thing to say to someone in that situation.

So I guess that's what it comes down to, the circumstances. If someone were to say "That will be several minutes" to me in reference to food arriving it could be off putting. Now if a surgeon had said to me "This will be several minutes" before knee surgery I'd be like "Cool man, take your time".

Oh, and the diner is now under new management. I went last weekend for the first time since the "several minutes" episode and there were no odd service instances that caused me to ponder them for years. Though to be fair it hasn't been years since last weekend.


*OK this really isn't an acceptable phrase for letting someone know there food will arrive shortly however if confronted with this option I'd be removing my shoes post haste.

**Alright that one doesn't even make any sense. It came to mind because last night the doorman at Ralph's complimented me on my sideburns and said he almost wanted to let me in without paying the cover because they were so nice. And he'd be right in doing so no doubt, but it made me realize something; women don't compliment me on my sideburns, but I get it from men all the time. Sometimes just random dudes walking down the street will stop me and compliment me on them. I think I've only ever been complimented on them by a woman once (and no, it wasn't my ex-wife that wouldn't count) but she turned out to be kind of a douche so… I suppose the moral of this story is that I can either shave or if I go gay I'll never be alone. Good to know for a backup plan.

On honesty and the internet

On honesty and the internet


So I decided to join an online dating site because the other women I were meeting were..uh...well most of you know how those ended. Let's just say that I want to find someone honest, and where there's something more than just a base attraction, and a whole lot less crazy. A whole damn lot less crazy! It stands to reason that by matching up certain likes, and dislikes I could eliminate some potential bad matches right?

So my first contact from this dating site just came through at work in the form of an IM. I'll post it below, but the first few lines are cut off.

[12:53] klooking4u2: ok

[12:54] my screen name: so call me crazy, but who are you?

[12:54] klooking4u2: i am cathy

[12:54] my screen name: nice to meet you Cathy, I'm Mason

[12:55] klooking4u2: nice to meet you also

[12:55] my screen name: and would I be correct in assuming that this contact was initiated through my yahoo profile?

[12:56] my screen name: BTW if I don't respond I may have jumped into a meeting

[12:56] klooking4u2: Nope yahoo personals

[12:56] my screen name: right, that's what i meant

[12:56] klooking4u2: k

[12:57] my screen name: and now you have me at a disadvantage; you know who I am and I'm speaking to a blank screen ;-)

[12:57] klooking4u2: same here

Ok this is where it starts to seem odd. She either doesn't understand what I mean, or she's reluctant to send me her profile.

[12:57] my screen name: so, are you burning company time as well?

[12:58] klooking4u2: lol nope personal time

[12:59] my screen name: ah. i'm a consultant who is currently without a client so I'm what they call "on the bench"

[12:59] klooking4u2: lol

[12:59] klooking4u2: what is your realjob

[12:59] my screen name: doing random tasks, and apparently chatting online

;-)

[13:00] klooking4u2: ok

[13:00] my screen name: when i'm not chatting on IM? I'm a software quality assurance engineer or manager depending on the day

[13:00] klooking4u2: ok

[13:00] my screen name: sometimes a project manager too if the need arises

[13:00] my screen name: how about yourself?

[13:01] klooking4u2: i sell arts and leathers

[13:01] my screen name: interesting

[13:01] my screen name: is this a gallery thing, or retail/wholesale?

[13:02] klooking4u2: what is your name in full and where do youlive . galery i have a website for this also

WTF? That's in my profile. So here's where I knew something screwy was definitely up.

[13:02] my screen name: , and I recently moved back to Watertown

[13:02] my screen name: are you also an artist?

[13:02] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine what state are you at present mason ?

[13:03] my screen name: in MA, or if that's not what you were asking then "contentment"

Again it's in my profile but i wanted to see where this went.

[13:03] klooking4u2: lol

[13:04] my screen name: and yourself?

[13:04] klooking4u2: i live in Ny city

[13:04] my screen name: kind of a hike

[13:05] my screen name: how did you end up finding my profile?

[13:05] klooking4u2: www.john-carwithen.com

[13:05] klooking4u2: that is my website check it the only this is that it was created inmy ex name

[13:07] my screen name: you're not just trying to drum up arts sales are you?

So at this point I actually thought she was just trying to sell me paintings.

[13:08] klooking4u2: i make arts and leathers that is what i sell i buy them from Uk and sell them in the states

[13:08] klooking4u2: iam now in Uk for 3weeks purchase time for me but i will be back in 3 weeks

[13:09] my screen name: back in NY?

[13:09] klooking4u2: yes

[13:09] klooking4u2: i will be back in Ny

[13:09] klooking4u2: do you live in Ny before moving back to MA

[13:09] my screen name: nope, I only visit there about twice a year. i have friends in brooklyn

[13:10] klooking4u2: Ok thats fine

Well then, I'm glad you approve.

[13:10] klooking4u2: are you looking for a lady that can relocate to youafter some time

[13:10] my screen name: hmmm that's a lot to ask of a person

read: WTF?

[13:11] klooking4u2: well it is but i believe we are not all getting younger we need to make a family

[13:11] my screen name: ha

[13:11] my screen name: this is true

[13:11] klooking4u2: i am not just here for fun i want the best out of joinng

[13:12] klooking4u2: i wish i can meet a man as soon as i get back from Uk

[13:13] my screen name: Cathy, i'm afraid I'm just not interested in/cut out for a long distance relationship

[13:14] klooking4u2: idont understand explain better to me

[13:14] my screen name: well you live in NY, and I'm a 4 hour drive away

[13:14] my screen name: when would we see each other?

[13:15] klooking4u2: this is what i plan i want to meetyou face to face first and if thngs work out then we can arrange a relocation .... i work from home so a relocation is vey easy for me

[13:16] my screen name: that's a bit much. I'd feel responsible if you relocated and it didn't work out. i just got out of a 14 year relationship and this seems a bit too heavy for me at this time

So at this point I wasn't sure if it was a mail order bride/green card scam, or just some one really that messed up so I tried to be polite.

[13:17] klooking4u2: i undrstand well lets keepchatting and see where this brings us

[13:19] my screen name: I'm not sure you do understand. I'm not interested in anything long distance or that involved off the bat

[13:19] klooking4u2: i undrstand

[13:19] klooking4u2: ok

[13:20] klooking4u2: have anice day

[13:20] my screen name: you too

[13:20] my screen name: good luck with your green card

..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

OK so just a few minutes after that another one comes in:

[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online

[13:29] deklicks:

[13:29] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well miss you online where ahve you been too really want to meet you online

[13:34] deklicks:

[13:40] my screen name: dong

[13:41] deklicks: Hello how are you doing today hope all is well

[13:41] my screen name: yes, all is well

[13:41] my screen name: and yourself?

[13:41] deklicks: Ok what is your name

[13:41] my screen name: that depends

[13:42] deklicks: Am lola by name 31 years and you

[13:44] my screen name: I mean it depends on where you're contacting me from

[13:45] deklicks:

[13:45] deklicks: Ok am from south carolina us and you

[13:45] my screen name: MA

[13:45] my screen name: you know, like it say in my profile?!?!

[13:46] my screen name: just so you know i just IMd with another mail order bride and I'm not interested

[13:47] my screen name: but good luck finding your sucker

[13:47] deklicks: what do you mean dont understand

[13:47] my screen name: I know

[13:47] my screen name: that's what makes this funny for me

[13:48] deklicks: what is sucker

[13:48] my screen name: someone that gets tricked

[13:48] deklicks: Ok do you mean tricked

[13:49] my screen name: yup

[13:50] deklicks: Ok

[13:50] deklicks: well dont know anything about that just new on here

[13:50] deklicks: will like you to tell me more about that

[13:51] my screen name: you know I'm not hearing much of a S. Carolina accent there

[13:51] my screen name: if I had to guess I'd say more eastern european. Perhaps Russian?

[13:52] deklicks: Yes but will liike you to tell me more about the internet cos i was just introduced to this internet stuff by a friend of mine last two weeks

[13:52] my screen name: oh you want to know about the internet?

[13:52] deklicks: what do you mean

[13:53] deklicks: Yes am new on this internet stuff what you just telling me now is strange

[13:53] my screen name: oh I see

[13:53] my screen name: ok let me help you out there

[13:54] my screen name: you see, the internet is a wonderful tool for communication

[13:54] deklicks: Ok

[13:54] my screen name: sometimes to find goods or services, soemtimes to find people

[13:54] deklicks: Tell me more

[13:54] my screen name: and sometimes bad people use it to prey on suckers

[13:55] deklicks: Ok that bad

[13:55] my screen name: they contact people in the guise of a friend or a potential love match. However (drum roll) sometimes these people aren't truthful

[13:55] my screen name: and these untruthful people are looking to marry someone to obtain a green card to gain citizenship in this country

[13:56] deklicks: Ok mdo you mean that oh its bad

[13:56] deklicks: Ok really

[13:56] my screen name: like for instance someone claiming to be in S Carolina looking to meet someone in Boston. You know, that's like a 12 hour drive right? That's kind of a date killer

[13:56] my screen name: do they have a word for sarcasm in Russian?

[13:57] deklicks: Oh am not from russia

[13:57] deklicks: ok

[13:57] my screen name: oh my mistake, where are you from?

[13:57] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures

[13:58] deklicks: ok

[13:58] my screen name: so here's the thing...

[13:58] deklicks:

[13:58] my screen name: I can't tell if you're tenacious, or if you simply don't undertsand that this is not working on me?

[13:58] deklicks: Ok

[13:59] deklicks: but do you mean the internet is dangerous

[13:59] my screen name: only for ignorant people and the easily fooled

[13:59] deklicks: Am from south carolina in usa

[13:59] deklicks: ok

[13:59] my screen name: and that's where you were born and raised?

[13:59] deklicks: Give me your email address to send you my pictures

[14:00] deklicks: Yes

[14:00] my screen name: is there a large russian population in SC?

[14:00] deklicks:

[14:00] my screen name: dong

[14:01] deklicks: Dont know

[14:01] my screen name: what's the capitol of SC?

[14:01] my screen name: I've never been there

[14:04] deklicks: where i am is Lyon

[14:05] my screen name: Lyon is the state capitol?

[14:07] deklicks: Yes

[14:07] my screen name: damn

[14:08] my screen name: you'd think there would have been a news story or something to let us way up here in the Northe east know about that

[14:08] deklicks: where are you from tell me the truth

[14:08] my screen name: that's ironic

[14:08] my screen name: but my location is in my personals ad

[14:09] deklicks: Oh well what are you up to huere

[14:09] deklicks: i mean what are you looking for on internet

[14:10] deklicks:

[14:10] my screen name: an honest woman that lives less than a 4 hour drive from me. know any?

[14:11] deklicks: Well that nice will you be online in 4 hours time so we can talk

[14:12] my screen name: you type " a lot. is that some kind of russian slang?

[14:12] deklicks: be on then will talk to you in 4 hours time have to run now cos someone is on the door will meet you in 4 hours time have

[14:12] my screen name: ok good luck with your green card

[14:12] my screen name: hope your sucker hunt goes well

[14:12] deklicks: will meet you in 4 gours time

[14:12] my screen name: you probably won't

[14:12] deklicks: talk to you then

[14:13] my screen name: I doubt it





And that ladies and gentlemen is my first experience with online dating.

Burger King!

Ok I know I've neglected you people and I'm sorry. I've been very busy/distracted and haven't blogged lately. So here's a quick hit for you.

A highway lunch trip to Fred's Franks ended up with a last minute course change to Fuddruckers: Land of Large Tasty Burgers. I've only ever gotten the 2/3 lb burger and at the end I'm always left wanting a little more, but the next time we go I end up shying away from the 1lb big boy because it looks too unwieldy and messy for a work lunch.

So after finishing the 2/3 lb yum-fest today I thought about getting two ½ lb burgers next time. It's the same amount of food and more manageable. Then decided there was no time like the present and went to order a ½ lb. My co-workers thought I was joking, but when I came back to the table they just looked at me with amazement. It should be said that my co-workers are all larger fellows and were astounded at my body's ability to out eat them. For the record I'm 6' and 177lbs i.e. not fat.

So I finished the 2nd one and was rather full and happy at that point, but by the time we got back to the office I was almost hungry. WTF? Off to the kitchen I go to see what I can scrounge up.

It's a cruel cruel world

A friend and I were talking last night and he brought up what he thought was "The cruelest thing I've ever heard Mason say". Now he had one choice, and it was a good one to be sure, but I had a different choice. His was chosen because he was present for it and got to see the guy's face (which was beyond priceless), and mine was far more satisfying to me. You be the judge.

Okay so his choice was this doozy. We were at college over summer and Pete, the guy that was ½ in charge of the food service on campus, came walking by practically floating on air with a smile you'd have to hit him in the face to alter. Now you should know that while Pete was actually a nice person in general he earned my ire time and time again for the food service and minimalist effort that came with it and the countless times I'd had to complain or really just get in his face at the school café. So OK, here he comes and we're sitting on a bench on the side of the hall with a bunch of other people while he's just bursting with joy. Literally, I'd never seen anyone so happy in all my life, not before or since. Someone asked why he was so happy and he just blurted out, with the purest joy I'd ever witnessed "We just found out that my wife is pregnant!" People congratulated him and he was soaking it up for about 3 seconds when I blurted out, totally deadpan, "Oh yeah, is it your's?" *record scratching sound* His face immediately turned into a frown, his head went into full on hang dog mode, and he just walked off speechless. Yes, I actually do have the power to crush a man with my words. You have never, and probably will never see a man go from such a high to such a low in that short a time.

Now my friend thought this was "The cruelest thing I've ever heard Mason say" but honestly, while hilarious, it wasn't. It's an old and tired joke that most people usually don't have the nerve to use. However his reaction was what really made this something to remember.

Now my favorite was during a breakup. A rather hurtful breakup with me being the one hurt. This girl had chewed me up and spit me out. She was older than I was and far more experienced too. She knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it and then crushed me. It's mainly for this reason that this story is more satisfying to me. OK, we both stopped by a friend's house that wasn't home but leaves the door unlocked. I went in to see if they were home and she was there. Both of us were shocked to ever see each other again (this was a few days after calling it quits rather unceremoniously), and truthfully I didn't want to have to look at her even one more time. I just stared at her not sure of what to say, or if I should give her the satisfaction of saying anything at all. Then I thought about it; she should suffer for what she did to me. So I said "I think we should talk" and we walked out to the porch, sat down, and chatted.

She began by apologizing to me for what she'd done, but I didn't believe that she was really sorry. I think she was just such a slimy shit that she'd had to apologize so often that she was just used to it. Her faux apology had only served to make me madder, and I was thinking of what to say when the perfect thing hit me. I should also add that her crying (whether real or forced) also just served to fuel my fire. She says things to the tune of how she can't believe that she ruined things, how sorry she was, and what a nice guy I was and that I didn't deserve this (look I'd heard it before being the nice guy that finished last too many times from other crying girls and it didn't work for them either). So I looked straight ahead with her to my left with no eye contact yet. I started with "I know the true meaning of words like love and hate, and how powerful those words really are. People use them too often without understanding that". I then turned and looked her straight in the eye and said "I can honestly say right now that I hate you". She then bursts into, what are definitely now, real tears with mucho sobbing (
Schadenfreude, look it up. Oh the sweet nectar). I paused and soaked in her tears and left her with "I'd kick you in the cunt but you're not even worth ruining the shine on my shoes", got up, and walked away leaving her to cry her soulless eyes out on the porch with the neighbors now watching. I never saw or heard from her again.

And that folks is the cruelest thing Mason has ever said. As a disclaimer I should add that I really don't look to hurt people. I don't, but I do have a gift for it when crossed.

I found someone new...

...or rather he found me. WTF?!?!


(Note: from the Best of Bacon Ace Archives)

So I'm out to lunch with a friend on Wednesday (who also has a penis) and while I was driving us back he said to me in a serious tone "I have something to ask you. This is something that (ex-girlfriend's name) used to do for me". OK uncomfortable yet? I was. I mean he recently broke up with her but he couldn't have been that desparate could he? Was it the manscaping? Does that kick me up a few notches on the gaydar? He then takes out a key ring with a house and car key. He asked me to ..."take this for him" and I wasn't quite sure what was coming next but I was certainly intrigued. I was pretty sure at that point I was being asked to "go steady", but I'm newly single and this was just going way too fast for me. Besides we hadn't even humped yet so how would I know if I'd want to get serious with someone I'd never experienced. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm not gay (current day edit: I'm totally Iranian).

So I nervously take the keys from him wondering just where this is going. Apparently he's an absent minded simpleton (he's from Texas) and wanted someone to have a spare set for if/when he fucked up. Oh OK. I can do that. What a relief.

So we had lunch again today (because he misses me sometimes) and we talked about the key thing. I told him that on that day I had planned on showing up at his house before he got home from work, letting myself in, and wait on his couch to creepily say welcome home. Now see, this would have totally been worth it, but I had plans that night already. Fortunately I didn't do it because he went to class from work and doesn't get home until like 11:00. The joke would have been on me. But really now, who gives their house key to someone that hangs vintage die cast toys from their nipple rings for a kick?* You just know he's going to do something to screw with you. Clearly he was desparate indeed.

*That was another blog entry on myspace complete with photos which I will spare you from. There's a long back story and it was done for a gag.


And current day news (Oct, 4th) he's in Texas right now visiting family. I really need to do something to mess with his apartment. So I'm trusting you, the "murderer's row of bastards and offenders" to help me plot.

Mistakes were made

(For the record this is also a "Best of Bacon Ace" blog post from the past. However NoOprah read it the first time and was uncomfortable so I thought I'd make him read it again)

So apparently I'm taking requests now as I was asked to share this story with the rest of you, and I have no shame so here goes. Here's how our tale starts; a newly single guy decides to make himself more attractive/appealing/whatever for the ladies. Remember, I do it all for the ladies ;-) He decides that he doesn't particularly care for the hair on his back (not that there was a lot, but enough to bug him) and goes on an information gathering quest (OK so he asked a dermatologist and a spa worker) about hair removal. There were 2 options, waxing and laser.

Laser removal is permanent but only guaranteed to get 70-80% of the hair on average though I have dark hair so apparently it's more effective as the lasers target the pigment in the hair. It also costs around $4000 according to the dermatologist. Yikes! It's not that big an issue by damn far.

Ok so waxing? Well it's not nearly permanent, and I believe is only good for about 2-4 weeks depending. It's like $60 a pop plus tip depending on where you go. I decided to try the waxing route and make an appointment. I go in, lay down, they apply the warm wax (which feels really good) then rip it up (which does not feel as good, but does kind of feel oddly nice in a weird way*) which isn't as painful as people make it out to be. It just stings a little. So I walk away from this experience with a remarkably smooth back, and I feel great. The follicles are a little irritated but I was told that this may happen and it will settle down in a few days. This is also a few days before heading out for the California trip. And here's where it all goes to shit.

I figured since we're here, and it's late, and we have nothing to do that Sanjeev and I should head down to the hot tub…at out crappy little hotel. Ok so I figured that the chlorine in the water would keep it clean right? RIGHT? Well that's probably still true, but with these in-ground hot tubs there's the ground level lip of the tub that is obviously not submerged and where your shoulders rest when you lean back. And you're relaxing so you do lean back. Unfortunately when you do that with irritated follicles on your back this can infect them. And you end up with painful and large welts on your back and infected ingrown hairs. The problem here is twofold; I got the infection from the hot tub and ingrown hairs because nobody told me that you're supposed to exfoliate for days ahead of time when getting waxed. I just did it as a spur of the moment thing, called, and drove over to the spa. BIG MISTAKE! So after spending $75 after tip on the waxing, $20 for the dermatologist visit co-pay, and $75 for the prescriptions to clear the infections I was left with a back that no woman in her right mind would touch never mind I was uncomfortable and actually in pain**. FABULOUS!

Thankfully it's all cleared up now and only some pink spots from where the welts had been, but now the hair is growing back so it was all a big waste of time. And the worst part? I was supposed to have my new tattoo started*** the Monday after I got back and had made an appointment about a month previously. So now I couldn't get my tattoo because antibiotics will help the body reject the ink and I'd end up with blotchy color. I was really frustrated too. Not at anyone or anything, but I was just pissed that I was anticipating this even more than the trip. Actually on the trip I couldn't wait to get home to start it. Now I have to wait until next Friday to get it started.****

The good news? The spa I went to also does laser hair removal but for like just over $2000 for the same procedure. I may have to look into this.



* I'm not some masochistic sexual fetishist I'm just saying is all.

**Not the feel good kind.

*** This tattoo will take up to 30 hours**** so when I say "started" I mean about 5-6 hours in a session so I'm looking at starting ASAP.

**** Despite my claims of not getting pleasure from pain the feeling of a tattoo needle actually does feel really good but not in a sexual way.

Sweet life giving Cat. 5 wire how I’ve missed you.

Oh holy hell. I've been without internet access for the past 3 days and it's been torture. I can no longer live without it. I moved Saturday to a new apartment and figured I could use my laptop to "procure" a wifi signal from a neighbor until Tuesday when Comcast comes to install my new digital lifeline. Now in a densely populated area like East Watertown surely someone must have an unsecured router within range right?. But alas, it was not to be. I almost drove to work just to go hook in. I need help.

Think of all the forums posts, MySpace messages, e-mail, and blogs I've missed out on. Never mind XBOX Live! Tomorrow can't come soon enough.